


If I couldn't fly

by thedramaofourvoices



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Loads of Angst, M/M, Multi, So it hurts
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-21
Updated: 2020-10-27
Packaged: 2020-12-27 20:14:19
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 24,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21124577
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thedramaofourvoices/pseuds/thedramaofourvoices
Summary: "Why do you have to serenade me on fucking live tv?" Louis curses, his eyes opened wide and angry. Harry falters, his mouth opened, disappointment clear in his glassy eyes. "They won't like this, we don't need more shit." His blue eyes are closed, his hand on his forehead."They won't like it or you didn't?" Harry's lip quivers. "I can't fight this fight alone."************************************************************************************************Or a recollection of all the larry proof we've been rewatching for years but to be read as memories from Harry, Louis and other people. Only we keep coming back to the present day and Harry and Louis keep coming together, even if it stings.





	1. Where We Are

**Author's Note:**

> Welcome to the biggest load of bullshit I've ever written. 
> 
> I have been a larry shipper for 10+ years, I've read more fanfiction than class material for uni. 
> 
> This is my attempt at one. It will be sad, you've been warned.

Chapter 1  
Where We Are

  


_ 09.06.2019 - Late at night - Warwick Club, Los Angeles, United States of America _

Louis Tomlinson sits in a crowded booth. His hand holds an orange drink in one hand and a cigarette in the other. His eyes are glossy and his are cheeks red. It’s way past midnight. He doesn’t remember the exact number of glasses he’s downed. He isn’t sure who all of the people sitting around him were, he can distinguish some Jonas brother and a model he’s sure he’s hung out with before. It doesn’t matter because they’re all laughing at something he said. 

“Can I just say that I don’t know how you do it, mate?” The Jonas brother says, his voice clear over the laughter and chatter. For some reason that has Louis’ head turned directly towards the lad.

“Do what, luv? I ain’t doin’ anything” He replies mid laughter, a couple of people giggle too. The Jonas brother smiles. 

“After all you’ve been through, here you are” It’s that phrase that burns Louis’ thoat and sits heavy in his stomach. “Having a laugh and a drink, doing your very first solo gig for the Coca Cola Music Experience next week…” They all nod and smile, there’s a strange sticky hand on his back. His own smile is stiff. 

“To Louis” A bleach blonde girl with a nasty orange tan says before raising her glass, everyone follows, they toast.

That’s how they see him. The thought kills him. That guy who sang in a boyband and then got tragic. That lad who had a few floppy singles after making it big with the plastic boy band of the decade. Louis hates pity but more than anything he hates pity from strangers who probably read all about it in The Mirror. 

“Well” Louis stubs his cigarette and finishes his drink in one go. “It is how they say: what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.” He replies with a plastic smile, gaze unfocused standing up. “It was lovely to chat with y’all” He excuses himself. 

Once he’s out of the booth, standing on the dark carpeted floor, Louis realizes he’s way drunker than he thought he was. His head spins and he can’t even think about that stupid Jonas brother’s sad words because that’s the thing: he can’t even think. As gracefully as his state allows him too, he walks to the bar and sits on a stool. 

“Mate, can I have an old fashioned?” He slurs. The man on the other side of the bar is not fazed at all by the star’s drunkenness. Within minutes the drink is placed in front of him, to Louis it’s a matter of seconds. He realizes vaguely through the hand that’s holding his face up how hot his cheeks are, he can’t remember the last glass of water he had.

He had come over a bit over midnight with Liam and Oli but at some point he had lost them. He guessed they were still in the pub somewhere, maybe they weren’t, he didn’t care. He should, because he had to get home and there would be paparazzi waiting outside but he doesn’t. 

_ 09.24.2015 - Sunset - O2 Arena, London, England _

“I’ll look for him over here, you take the halls downstairs. Niall’s going to try and get them to delay the show” Liam’s voice was spilling out of Harry’s phone as he ran through the X Arena’s downstairs hallways. 

He barely heard it as he opened and closed doors in a hurry. He was ready to go on stage, his long haired carefully ruffled, patterned shirt, black trousers and golden heeled boots. He should have been going to soundcheck, he was looking for Louis. They were supposed to be out in less than an hour. 

People saluted him with excited grins, bumped their fists with him, wished him luck. Some of them seemed weirded out to see him down there so little before the show opened. Harry smiled back at them but had little care for faking to be pumped for the show. There’d be no show if Louis didn’t appear within the next twenty minutes. His heart raced at the possibility of the other singer leaving the venue. 

He wanted to tell Paul, security, everyone; right away. Liam and Niall had been against it. Louis didn’t need to get more shit from Modest, wherever he was, he wouldn’t be easily persuaded to come back if a bunch of people from his security dragged him by the collar. 

“Harry? Are you still there?” 

“Yes, Li, sorry”

  
“What was the fight about?”

Harry’s mouth opened and closed, he sighed, holding the phone to his ear. What weren’t they fighting about? These days it seemed to be the only thing they did. It all took a turn for the worst when Zayn left. The four of them were feeling it and mostly went on because of the fans.

When he was sober, Louis, would talk shit about him, make jokes about the Bradford boy -“Oi mate, I’m a bit tired, gotta Zayn”, “Get it? Gotta Zayn? I’m fuckin’ brilliant”- and then when he drank it all came crushing down. Harry had been in LA for a bunch of time, so it was mostly Liam who heard the long rants but sometimes Louis called Harry; Harry heard but most times he wasn’t listening. 

“We broke up” 

Liam didn’t say anything for a long moment. Harry stopped in his tracks, the hallway was empty. He didn’t want to look for him anymore, he was angry at Louis, for hiding, for causing more drama. At some point this had become their job, a very real high pressure job, not a dream come true and certainly not an artist’s way of life. 

“Did you have to do it right before the show?” 

Harry hung up the phone. His eyes glistened with tears. He hung up because he didn’t want to snap at Liam. Did he have to break up with Louis right before a show? They had a conversation, it escalated, things were said, he couldn’t take it. 

Even before Zayn had left it wasn’t the same. They had had their ups and downs. Even with Taylor and Eleanor and all this meetings where they reprimanded them for saying stuff, for changing lyrics, for touching too much. It was them against the world, it made them stronger in a way. Harry never thought that’d change. 

It did change. They started meeting separately with them and for a really long time, Louis didn’t speak to Harry about what was said in his meetings. Harry told him everything. How they wanted to silence his sexuality by forbidding him to speak about pride, take flags or signs or rainbow wristbands. They tried to change his clothes. 

Harry didn’t fight them back on board meetings. But he went on doing what he pleased, he was not straight and he knew that his fans would never care about that. Even more, his fans needed a non straight idol, he wanted to be that guy but most of all he wanted to be that couple, with Louis. 

He noticed the changes. In his demeanor, the way he addressed him in public, his clothes, his hair. Louis was trying to become what they expected of him and it depressed Harry, greatly, because he had fallen in love with Louis. Louis was a diva, he liked colorful chinos and suspenders and queefing his hair. He sang grease in the morning as burnt pancakes, he had a tummy.

Maybe Harry should’ve said something but he was afraid of hurting Louis’s feelings, of starting even more fights. He did complain when Louis started rejecting his touches in public, looking away, going frantic when they had to stand next to each other or when they were asked about the larry stylinson conspiracy on interviews. 

_ 09.06.2019 - Later at night - Louis’ Hollyood Hills Home, Los Angeles, United States of America _

“Lou, you can’t sleep here, c’mon”

It’s dark. The lights of Liam’s Lamborghini Aventador are the only thing illuminating the private front garden of Louis’ Hollywood Home. Eleanor Calder is sitting on the steps of the porche, head in her hands, white slippers on her feet. Oli Wright is leaning on the front of the car.

“Did anyone see?” What Louis says is barely understandable. 

“No, I don’t think so.” Liam’s voice is tired. “C’mere, please, we need to put you to bed, buddy.”

“Let him sleep in there, Liam” Eleanor sounds angry. She’s raised her face from her hands but she still sits on the concrete steps. Liam sighs and walks into the light. He’s wearing a black coat and tight jeans. 

“No, I’m not letting him sleep in the car” He says and it sounds more like he’s trying to convince himself than her. it’s her turn to sigh. 

Liam sits next to her, looks at her, she stares pointedly at her feet. For a moment they say nothing. The three of them awake in the middle of the night, the ominous house standing behind them, all the money in the world and not a clue what to do with the man laying on the back of the car in his drunken slumber. 

“We can’t keep doing this” Oli says, now looking at Liam. He looks away. 

“This is the best I can do”.

Liam’s not always around. He’s just finished recording his first solo album, he has a kid and a girlfriend. But he always finds time to come spend a couple of days with Louis when he’s not on the phone with him or with Eleanor. 

He thanks the gods for Eleanor, whom he used to hate really. She has actually been a rock for Louis, a source of stability and consistently a great friend. She had been living with Louis for almost three years now. Sometimes Liam thought that she was still waiting for something that Louis would never be able to give, not to her at least. The last two years she had stopped receiving payment for her services, she was there by choice and she had brought her boyfriend along. On nights like this, Liam feels bad for the young model and her partner. Everyone’s worried about Louis, looking after Louis, turning out fires for Louis, even the ones he sets upon himself, yet no one notices this woman here, living this lie.

“Get inside, I’ll carry him in.” Liam says finally, standing up, disappearing again in the darkness. 

Oli doesn’t seem to need to be told twice. He searches for Eleanor’s eyes but she’s already eyeing the darkness, waiting for the source of grumbling and struggling to emerge into the light. He walks into the house with his head hanging low. 

Eleanor stands up, her expression unreadable. She closes the robe, it’s ligh-blue and long enough to reach her knees. There’s slurring and Liam shushing, she purses her lips. Soon enough, Liam reappears with a sleeping Louis in his arms, he looks small, a bundle of arms and legs and sweaty hair. 

“He smells like a distillery” She wrinkles her nose but there’s no malice, if anything she looks sad. They’re both looking at the sleeping man, their features both of genuine concern. Liam’s the first to look up. 

“Go to sleep, El. I’ll take care of him” She nods but she never takes her eyes off of Louis, she watches them both disappear through the door. 

Alone in the front garden of the Hollywood Hills house in her slippers, Eleanor Calder chokes back a sob and another and then another, until she can’t. 

_ 09.24.2015 - Sunset - O2 Arena, London, England _

Liam Payne plopped down on a bean bag, his hair was done perfectly and the leather jacket he’s wearing seems to be the right size too small. Niall Horan was pacing, he looked ready to hit the stage as well. 

“I miss Zayn” Liam complained, voice low, staring at the floor. Niall stops in his tracks, turns around, his face has softened. 

“Don’t we all?”. 

“Maybe, but no one speaks of it.” Niall nodded after his bandmate’s words and sat against the wall, opposite to Liam, his legs, clad in dark skinny jeans, stretched and opened. 

None of them said much for a moment. Liam grabbed his phone and dialled, holding it next to his ear. He was nervous. It made no sense for Louis to be missing. No one was more scared of One Direction being over, no one was more desperate to pull through the whole Zayn deal. Where the fuck was he? The phone rang a bunch of times, then went to voicemail. 

“Zayn would know what to do, he’d know what the fuck is going on with Louis” Liam cursed, phone clutched in his shaking fist. 

“Oi calm down, mate, you’re gonna get yourself worked up” Niall sayid, standing up and bringing a coke from the mini fridge, handing it to Liam. “Look, they’ve been off for a while, Harry and Louis? I don’t think they’re good for each other anymore.” Niall slumped back against the wall. 

Liam’s eyes filedl with tears. He had had pictured this day. He had already lived it, somewhere in his head, when his own panic attacks had started, he had known all they had worked for, all they had dreamed of had an expiration date. 

The first time he had lived it maybe he had cried in an innocent way, cried at the thought of not having a stage to share with his mates, not having his mates around but right them he guessed it was their best shot at coming out of it alive and well.


	2. A Little Bit of Mr. Superstar's Heart

Thanks for the likes and suscribes and comments x. Up the second one. 

09.06.2019 - Late that night - Nick Grimshaw’s flat, London, England

The apartment takes up on a full floor of the building. It’s the eleventh floor, the view of London is mesmerizing, the balcony is huge and there’s people everywhere. Disco music floats through the party, blending in with the colorful attires and the smell of marijuana. It’s an intimate party, less than fifty people. There’s yellow christmas lights as sole illumination and no caterers, just a bunch of friends dancing, drinking, smoking, coughing, rolling, spilling, twerking, laughing, celebrating...

Nick Grimshaw has a flute glass in hand, his cheeks are red, he’s telling a story and his boyfriend Greg has an arm around his waist, he’s looking at him in awe. People around are half laughing, half endeared. All of a sudden Nick checks his watch and stands up giddily, he’s tipsy and happy. He walks towards the DJ and grabs the mic, the music stops. 

“Okay, everyone, I know you were dancing your arses off but… it’s time for a /very/ special friend of mine to come over here, grab this mic and make us all feel like mere mortals, cause he’s very talented.” Everyone cheers and claps but no one comes forward. Nick puts his handover his forehead, pretends to squint in the distance, he’s smiling all the way. “Mr. Harry Styles! Where are you? Please! Come to us!”.

From the sea of hands a few people push lightly at a tall man in a white dress, the cut barely above the knees. He’s flushed, wetting his red plump lips. 

09.24.2015 - Sunset - O2 Arena, London, England

Harry pushed open in a hurry all of the doors that led to the stalls in the bathroom. One by one, all of them: empty. Harry cursed to himself and ran a hand through his hair. When he was a boy, in a bathroom just like this one, he had met Louis. The desperate man staring back from the mirror looked nothing like the curly haired boy who dreamt to sing. 

The more he looked into his eyes in the mirror, the harder it was to catch the lump in his throat as it built up. All of a sudden his phone rang in his pocket. His heart beat faster when he saw Liam’s name. 

“Hello? Li?”

“We found him. He’s not doing the show. Come up now.” 

“Where is he? Is he okay?” His voice was thick with tears and his heart fluttered in his chest as he walked out of the bathroom and up the hall as fast as he could, phone pressed tightly against his ear. 

“He’s drunk, he’s at the hotel, El’s with him.”

The rest of the conversation feels like an angry blur to Harry. He doesn’t want to do the show, he doesn’t think he’ll actually be able to sing. His chest feels tight and his knees wobbly. 

Of course that the first thing that comes out of his mouth when he gets to Liam and Niall is that they have to drag Louis to do the show as well. If he has to stand there like life’s a fucking birthday party then so should Louis. It takes a lot of soft words and one shove from Liam for Harry to break and accept that he’s about to go on stage, for the first time without Louis, because Louis is piss drunk and his fake girlfriend is looking after him. 

The show’s already over a half hour late but Harry Styles is sitting on the floor crying into the palm of his hand. He never wanted to be this celebrity, that lets drama jeopardize the work of so many people. In that moment he honestly doubts his whole career for a moment.

“I want to go to the hotel, please” He cries, his words a bunch of mumbles between hiccups. Liam looks fed up. He’s leaning against the door, arms crossed. Niall tries to share a look with him but he’s staring at the ceiling. With a sigh he approaches Harry on the floor kneeling next to him. 

“Hey, Haz, we have to do this, okay? It’ll be no good for anyone to get you back to the hotel.” He tries, looking at Liam that’s now looking at him through empty eyes. 

That is one of Niall Horan’s loneliest moments. It had never been his job to keep things from falling apart before. 

“Lou needs privacy. The fans need at least us three to come out. Let’s make some people have an unforgettable night, c’mon.”

Harry looks at him silently. For the following few years, Harry will wonder what would’ve happened if he went back, if Louis and him had just quit everything that night and sorted their own stuff, properly. He never regrets it though and that makes him feel guilty. 

“Is he safe?” Harry asks, trying and failing to find an excuse to stay. Liam talks then. 

“He drank himself sick. He’ll live to feel like shit for dumping this on us. C’mon, H, let’s make someone else feel good, at least.” He pleaded, voice soft. Harry nodded softly, wipping at his eyes. The boys helped him up and he blew his nose. That was that.

As they walked towards the stage, the intro blasting over the roaring crowd, about to go live, to sing, to dance and have a water fight; all that Harry Styles could think was about how cynical it all was. Their fans paid for fake happiness, fake enthusiasm… those people who cared so much about them would never know the truth, they could be in shreds and they’d still have to put on a goofy smile. At some point their dream had turned into this nightmare. 

09.06.2019 - Late that night - Nick Grimshaw’s flat, London, England

“I’m here, I’m here” Harry says, raising a hand and walking towards Nick. People clap, the host claps a little clap with the mic in his hands and gives Harry a half hug. Harry hugs him back. 

“Without further ado from my drunken ramblings, with you beautiful people, Harry Edward Styles!” Harry laughs and grabs the mic from his friend’s hands. 

Nick walks back to Greg with a sheepish smile. The other man wraps him in his arms and gives him a kiss before turning him away and wrapping himself around his back, holding hands against Nick’s stomach so they can watch Harry. 

For a moment, as the clapping subsides, Harry watches Nick and Greg’s display. His smile falters for just a second before he catches himself and smiles broadly.

“Alright, people who love Nick, first of all I want to ask for the loudest clap for him and his beau for letting us all come and trash their apartment!” Everyone laughs and claps. “Now, as a present to him I promised to sing his favorite song of mine, even if it’s a real bummer so… I hope you don’t cry.”

06.08.2014 - After Lunch - Larry’s room, Fancy Hotel - East Rutherford, New Jersey, USA.

“Harry, you should sing this” Ariana Grande sits on top of Harry Styles and Louis Tomlinsons’ hotel room pristine white duvet. Her hair was down and she was wearing baggy gym clothes. Between them a notebook, a computer and empty brown coloured bags. “It’s so beautiful, raw…”

Harry watched the notebook in his hand and bit the inside of his cheek. She looked at him with sad eyes, placing a hand on his knee. The young man dropped himself on the bed fully with a sigh, staring at the ceiling. 

“I just want someone to sing it. I want this song to be out. I want it to sound on the radio, when she rides her car, when she’s at the store… Well, like she even goes to the store.” The girl had to laugh at that. Harry’s grumpy pouting was so cute. Or it would be if he wasn’t actually going delusional. She wanted to sing the song, it was an absolute hit, heart-wrenching ballad, but it was Harry pouring his broken heart, it felt wrong. 

“C’mon, I’ll compromise, we’ll sing it together” She ushered him. Harry raised his head to meet her eyes, resignation could be read in his green eyes. 

“They won’t let me” He mumbled defeatedly, eyes darting to the computer’s screen. 

“But it’s your song.” Harry chuckled sadly. 

“Lately it feels like... there’s very little that’s actually my own.”

09.06.2019 - Late that night - Nick Grimshaw’s flat, London, England

“I don’t ever ask you  
Where you’ve been   
And I don’t feel the need to  
Know who you’re with.”

Harry Styles is singing and everyone else is silent. In awe. Nick’s eyes are glistening with tears. Partly because the song is so beautifully sad, partly because Harry has that effect on him. Which effect? You might ask: the same effect he has on everyone who meets him. He shines, he’s real, painfully so. 

“I can’t even think straight  
But I can tell  
That you were just with her.  
And I’ll still be a fool,  
I’m a fool for you.”

Harry’s sitting on a tall bench, guitar hanging in front of his white dress. Nick thinks that he’s rocking the white dress, that sexy devil who used to fear painting a few of his nails, he’s right there, in the middle of his party, wearing that perfect dress, smiling his whole way through, all of his guests already in the bag. 

“I don't ever tell you how I really feel  
'Cause I can't find the words to say what I mean”

The breeze blows lightly outside, making the hanging lights sway. Greg turns Nick in his arms and they start dancing, maybe swaying lightly. Nick smiles and ducks his head, placing his forehead on the taller man’s chest. 

“And nothing's ever easy  
That's what they say”

Harry can’t help but look at the two men slow dancing, lost in their own little world, calm under their friends’ loving gaze. Moved by the way Nick’s hand gripped the fabric of Greg’s jacket with a little bit of urgency, he watched Greg wrap both arms tightly around him, Nick looked up and they kissed fully, deeply, Nick’s hand holding his man’s face. 

Harry looked away as he sang the last words before the last chorus. He looked at the people dancing, drinking, cheering… and then he looked past them, into the London summer night. He was right where he had to be, it had to be. 

“I know I'm not, your only  
But at least I'm one  
I heard a little love is better than none…”

After their clapping and his flustered bowing, Harry sang Kiwi in an attempt to lighten the mood and he did. A boy bought him a drink after he finished singing, they talked: his name was Arthur. He was a screenplay writer. His smile was funny, the drink was well chosen and his eyes were blue. A baby kind of blue. 

So since that night Arthur went on for days and nights, until he made his friends sick and tired of the stupid story from the one night he went home with Mr. Superstar, Harry Styles.


	3. Whisper it Loudly

Chapter Three   
Whisper it Loudly

10.1.2019 - Early morning - Lottie’s Apartment, London, England.

The bright screen of the iphone showed the trending topics on Twitter, a top of the list: “#larryisrealparty”. A long perfectly fake nail with shiny pink polish clicked on it and swiped down. Countless of tweets displayed themselves. The thumb stopped, hovering over one of them, @larryslover tweeted: “Can you guys just kiss and make up? #larryisrealparty.” and underneath that one @modestfuckoff tweeted: “yeah, it’s real but it’s also deepshit fucked up #larryisrealparty”. 

Lottie sighed and put down her phone. Her hair was a messy bun, sweatshirt and sports bra visible underneath. She had no make up on as she sat by the dining table, munching on some granola and yoghurt. The apartment was completely silent. She was deep in thought, lazy spoon coming into her parted plump lips. 

All those years ago she had had a crush on Harry Styles. At the beginning, when Louis first brought Harry home, she used to put on all of her makeup and her nicest outfits. She was in middle school and her classmates wanted to hear all about it. She laughed imagining her younger self thinking she actually had a chance. And maybe she would have, Harry wasn’t that much older. Except for the fact that she found him making out with his older brother when she went to take the trash out.

“Mum, can boys fall in love with other boys?” She had asked. Jay had laughed and said that everyone could fall in love with everyone. “Is this about Harry and Lou?” She had asked, knowingly. Her mum always knew. Lottie had nodded, frown setting itself. “We must let Lou tell us in his own time, alright?” And she had agreed, even if she didn’t quite understand why, but she did. 

It slipped. Looking back on it, her mum and dad were divorcing, her brother was suddenly a pop star and never home. She was an angry teenager. They were all having dinner at a fancy restaurant, Louis was paying and she can still remember perfectly just how proud her mother was that night. They never used to eat out before, let alone go to a fancy restaurant with five kids. Louis was on top of the world and he made a silly comment about leaving his number to the waitress. 

Even if today the memory is one she holds very dear, back then she had been green with envy. Louis was the light shining in her mother’s eyes, even if he was barely home when things were the hardest they had known. So she did it. It didn’t slip. At all. It was well thought and decided. 

“What will Harry think, Lou? Did you two break it off?” And Louis could have deny it. Like all the times he ever got asked about it later on, he could’ve just outright denied it, except that he couldn’t. 

Dinner was ruined and, back home, she heard Louis and Jay having a really serious talk until way past midnight. Crying was heard. She thought her brother would never forgive her. She had outed Louis to their family and he hadn’t taken it well. Even today, it was a well known fact, Louis didn’t like talking about his sexuality. Which is why she was so very worried. 

Pink polished nails grabbed the phone again, chose Louis’ contact on the screen and tapped to call. A picture of them both popped up on the screen. She hoped and prayed that she would get to him before he went on social media. But the call went straight to voicemail. She huffed, put down her phone and took another spoonful of yoghurt. 

07.01.2019 - Afternoon - Louis’ apartment, London

Lottie and Eleanor sat on the couch. The first had her head in her hands, the later was focused on the screen in front of them. Liam was standing up, hand covering his mouth, looking worried, coat still on as he had been the last one to get to the apartment. 

Louis was pacing in front of the TV screen. It displayed some kind of anime Harry and Louis, the volume was set low enough not to be hearable at all over Louis’ loud, angry voice. “They can’t- They can’t fucking do this, can they? I mean, they said my full name, they can’t do that for free, without asking… This is madness!” He shrieked. 

Eleanor turned to look at him, pressing her lips together. “Just calm down, Lou”. She tried softly. Her eyes were fixed on Louis’s hands, they were shaking. Lottie and Liam just watched the scene play in a loop. Louis stopped walking and stood next to Lottie.   
“Lots, would you be kind enough to fucking turn that off? I think we’ve seen it enough bloody times, or are you getting a kick out of this?”

Lottie frowned and turned it off. “Don’t yell at me” She said, holding his glare. “I didn’t write that.” She said drily. “It’s just a TV show. It will die down quicker if you don’t go nuts.” 

As a whole reply Louis huffed and lit a cigarette, taking a long drag. Liam looked at him and grimaced. “Lottie is right.” Eleanor said, Louis didn’t even look at her. “They portray the girl as a crazy fanfiction writer, it lasts less than three minutes, just calm down.”

Louis turned to Eleanor and started pacing again. Pacing and smoking. Smoking and pacing. “I will press charges” He said, voice high pitched, deliriously angry. “This is defamation, spreading this… this disgusting lies…”

Lottie stood up, she interrupted him. “Disgusting? Do you hear what you’re saying?” She asked, raising her voice. Walking towards him, cutting his pacing short “Saying someone is gay is not defamation, saying that being gay is disgusting is homophobic and that makes me very fucking worried, Louis, because you are…”

When Louis cut her they were nose to nose, if it were anyone else, Eleanor and Liam would be scared that there would actually be a physical fight. “SHUT UP. SHUT THE FUCK UP LOTTIE.” He bellowed, making her take a step back. “Why did you even come here? You liked watching this shit, right? You don’t get it. You’re just like him. It’s either a fucking rainbow party or the fucking Ku Klux Klan. Well guess what? It’s not that bloody easy”. Lottie had already bent over to grab her bag from the coffee table. 

“I’m out of here.” She said, voice tight. “Call me when you’ve calmed the fuck down.” With that she slammed the door. 

10.1.2019 - Early afternoon - Liam’s House, Brookwood, England. 

Since leaving One Direction, Liam Payne took off days very seriously. He had rigorously set dates to spend on trips with Cher or back at home, with his family, or just to sleep in late and have time for himself. This friday was one of the later days. 

He had his phone off and had actually ordered a burger. Nesting on the living room couch, Cher had gone out for a walk in the park with her mum and the baby. All four of them were meant to have tea together, it was a good day, he almost felt like a normal dad, an ordinary man with his wife and kid. 

As he turned the TV to watch some football, a news channel with Harry Styles’ smiling face and the headline: “TWITTER BREAKDOWN” appeared instantly and he should’ve gone to the sports channel. It was a day off. Days off were important, to be taken seriously. He pointed at the screen with the remote... and rose the volume. A man’s voice boomed through the speakers. “It wasn’t even the reason for the interview, right Amy?” A series of pictures of a young Harry, faded along the screen. “A simple interview to promote his upcoming album led to this massive chaos.” A geedy female voice replied: “That’s right, Glen. Harry was supposed to give us some insight into his upcoming single ‘Watermelon Sugar’ and ended up adding fuel to the well known and never forgotten Larry Stylinson conspiracy.” 

Now a series of photos of much younger versions of Harry and Louis flicked on the screen. Them hugging. Harry giving Louis a white rose. Harry and Louis sitting in on top of each other on a couch. Louis saving Harry from falling into the water during ex factor. Them hugging again at the “What Makes You Beautiful” location. “And fans are taking this as full confirmation of the romance between the two former bandmates.” 

Liam sighed and rubbed his face. He should’ve just watched something on Netflix. “We are still waiting on word from Louis Tomlinson. Our lad had a tough year, didn’t he, Glen? Losing his baby sister at the tender age of eighteen to a drug over…” The screen went black. Liam let the remote drop on the couch with a sigh. 

They were vile. The interviewers. The paparazzi. The papers. The magazines. The blind gossip sites. People at home sitting behind their computers, lurking; behind their desks waiting for a slip up, a tragic fluke, a personal moment exposed to the light and their hungry eyes. Liam had never admitted it, but if he could do it all over again, he would never choose fame. 

He turned on his phone. He had Louis on speed dial. The phone went straight to voicemail.

09.13.2011 - Way Past Midnight - Harry’s house in Cheshire, England.

Liam was eighteen and he had found it only a tad weird that Niall, Zayn and himself were to sleep in the guest room, while Louis slept in Harry’s room. No one else seemed to think much of it so he had made no comment and after a good round of songs on the guitar by the fire he, like everyone else, had gone to bed. 

From his mattress on the floor he could hear Niall and Zayn snoring beside him and some shuffling in the other room. He frowned, tossing and turning as he heard hushed words and rustled sheets. He was a very light sleeper. At some point he thought one of them was crying. Then he thought they were fighting. Then he heard moaning and all of a sudden everything made sense. 

Harry and Louis had been HarryandLouis from the start. Niall had once pointed out innocently, before they were put together as a band, that he had always thought they came from the same town, maybe as a duet. Louis was always grabbing Harry’s jacket when he forgot it laying around and Harry always shared his food with Louis. Always. 

Once, in the x factor house Harry had food poisoning -nothing too serious- and Louis stayed up all night. Zayn had come in to check up on the younger boy that morning and found Louis putting a cold towel on Harry’s forehead, Harry was asleep. He had sincerely thought they were just really really good mates. 

That night at Harry’s house, a while after being kicked out of The X Factor, Liam came to the conclusion that they were so much more than mates and for one selfish moment all he could think about was the band. A boy band with two gay guys? He had never seen that. A band with a couple? What if they broke up?

That night Liam went from worried to endeared, he had to confess he didn’t even dislike Louis that much anymore. Loving Harry made him… more human in his eyes, less of a nag, after all he was just trying to woo his boy. 

09.13.2011 - Way Past Midnight - Harry’s house in Cheshire, England.

“It’s not working... “ 

“Am I doing it wrong? Talk to me.”

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry. You’re great. I just can’t…”

“Do you want me to stop?”

“Yeah…”

Harry’s bedside lamp was suddenly turned on. His green eyes searched for Louis in the light. He was hurriedly pulling his boxers back up. Harry pressed his lips into a thin line and sighed. Louis’ hands were shaking as he ran them through his baby thin hair, he was avoiding Harry’s eyes. 

Harry was hard inside his pajamas. He had been waiting for this moment all day, to be alone. With Louis. In bed. This had been going on for a while now and Louis never let Harry… pleasure him. They had talked about it. Harry didn’t want to embarrass himself, he guessed Louis knew many things he didn’t. He had been watching porn very seriously, not for wanking but for research. Louis had been the first person who had seen him naked other than his mum and the first person who had made him cum, he felt like he had a lot of catching up to do.

They had been teasing each other all day. Even with the boys, his mum, Gemma and Robin hanging with them. Subtle touches and inside jokes. Harry was a heavy blusher so it showed. He hadn’t told her anything, but he was sure that Gemma knew. He was avoiding her like the plague. 

When the night came and they climbed the stairs, closing the door, Harry’s hand went instantly, confidently to Louis’ zipper. He wanted to make Louis feel as good as he made him feel. Louis had smiled and grabbed his wrists, hard. “Eager, are we?” He had whispered. Harry was already hard then, but he didn’t want to embarrass himself, so he allowed Louis to undress them. They made out, almost naked, under the covers, his cock pulsing, aching to be stroked, yet every time Louis tried to he denied.

“Tonight I want /you/ to enjoy yourself” He had whispered and it hadn’t even sounded half as hot as it did when Louis said things like that in bed. Louis made it all seem so easy. So when he grabbed Louis’ length and it went limp in his hand he guessed it was him. Unexperienced and eager and stupid him who couldn’t even wank his boyfriend. 

Yet when they turned on the light something else was off. Louis didn’t look bored out of his mind or uncomfortable, he looked upset. Harry had never seen Louis cry, but he had seen him angry and tired and missing his mum and he had known Louis was holding back, he was really good at it. Harry never was. 

“Lou, what is it?” Harry asked, propping himself on the bed with his elbow. Louis shook his head and just laid on his back, covering himself to the chin with the blanket Harry instantly wrapped himself around him. “You alright? S’okay if you didn’t like it.”

Louis shook his head again. For a moment they stayed like that. Harry turned off the light, he was worried, but he didn’t want to push it. “It feels wrong.” Louis said after a while. 

“Like I’m doing it wrong?” Harry asked, defeated. 

“No. Like we shouldn’t… What would the boys say? They are in the other room.” Louis mumbled, voice barely audible. 

“They’ll never know. Why shouldn’t we?” Harry couldn’t understand what was the problem, why was Louis so upset if he liked it. So with his heart beating like crazy he had slipped from around Louis and placed himself on top of him. “No one will ever know. I promise, baby” He said softly. He loved using nicknames, it made him feel super powerful. Little words made him so happy. “Try to relax” Harry said as he started kissing Louis’ chest, then his tummy. 

“Grab my hand.” Louis said, voice shallow, tight with fear and pleasure. Harry smiled and did as told, squeezing before pulling down Louis’ boxers and kissing the inside of his thighs. Louis’ knees were shaking when Harry took him in his mouth. He came a lot quicker than expected. That was the first time Harry made Louis come. He had never been so proud of himself. 

10.1.2019 - Early Evening - Private car, streets of Los Angeles, California. 

On the backseat of a black private car sat Eleanor Calder. Her manicure was dark as she flipped through instagram, tall ponytail falling over her left shoulder, clad in a dark leather jacket. She was about to have a night out, without Louis, he was no fun lately. Going out with him resembled taking the twins to the park a lot: don’t lose sight of them, know the tricks to take them home when they don’t want to leave…

She avoided the tabloids and never ever gave statements to the paps, it hadn’t been on her contract but it wasn’t something she wanted to do anyway. Eleanor had a degree in sociology, she was proper smart, she didn’t care about which Kardashian had gotten her rack done or who was Taylor Swift dissing in her newest single. Despite it all, she had to admit that she did follow one Harry Styles closely on the media.

One video caught her eye, she was close to her friend’s but she tapped it open, it didn’t last much more than twenty seconds. The wide screen of her phone showed the younger lad sitting in some interview. A Ryan Seacrest type, most probably on coke or something, judging by his too wide smile, finished fake laughing and spoke. 

“So, Harry, it’s been long enough for you to answer one question you’ve been avoiding for years.” The Ryan Seacrest type’s eyes had an evil glimmer to them. Harry looked suddenly tensed, he pulled a funny face to the camera, always the charmer. “Did something /ever/, and when I say ever I mean even just a one sided thing or whatever... Did something ever really go down between you and your former bandmate, Louis Tomlinson?” 

On the backseat of a black private car, Eleanor Calder’s breath hitched. On the screen Harry’s eyes went wide, he blinked more than once and Eleanor could feel the seconds dripping, making it more obvious with each passing one. “Fucking hell, c’mon Harry…” She muttered to her phone. 

All of a sudden, Harry smiled nervously “I’m sorry, Matt, I legally can’t speak about that.” Eleanor’s eyes shot open, she dropped her phone. In the car, the crowd on the live studio could be heard roaring and the Ryan Seacrest type had most probably wet his pants in joy. 

02.19.2014 - Midday - Board Room, Syco. 

“So what is it, uncle Simon? Am I dating Taylor Swift? Are you?” Louis Tomlinson smiled tightly. Suddenly his expression changed, it mocked surprise. “Is she dating Tay Tay now?” Louis asked, pointing at Eleanor sitting right next to him, still fake gaping widely. She refrained from laughing.

The board room was simply one big carpeted room with a huge oval wooden table. Besides one of the headers, a windowed wall; besides the other, a door. Right in the middle Simon Cowell and by his sides, two strict looking men. “No, Louis. As much as I’d like to be going at it with Miss Swift, that is not the case.” He replied with a tense smile, hands clasped on the table. 

The brunette watched as Louis held Simon’s glare, chin high, smile plastic. She couldn’t help but wonder why Harry wasn’t there, it made her wary. Harry, Louis and her usually discussed the agreement together, although “discuss” might be too big a word. They were briefed on the restrictions to their relationship and the activities Louis and Eleanor would have to engage in. 

“Did we do something wrong?” Eleanor asked, feigning innocency. Eleanor was smart, she always played dumb around Simon. She also tried to tell herself that this was just a job for her and a good damn one at that. It paid for her studies and all she had to do was fake date this really lovely guy. 

“Oh don’t worry, this won’t take long. You didn’t do anything wrong.” Simon said, proper smile when he looked at her. It made her stomach churn “We just wanted to discuss at which points of the upcoming tour you’ll be flying in, we don’t want it to interfere with your exams and courses.” He explained. One of the men next to him handed Eleanor a sheet with places and dates for her to circle out. She shared a brief look with Louis and concentrated on the paper in front of her. 

“And what am I here for, then?” Louis asked loudly. “Do I have a sheet to point out when all this doesn’t interfere with my personal life?” He asked with a cheeky grin, looking around exaggeratedly. He was wearing electric blue chinos and a magenta sweater that looked a few sizes too big, probably not his. His hair was quiffed perfectly. 

“This is your personal life, Louis.” Simon pointed out. “But no, this is not about any of your relationships, real or fake…” Simon turned to the man on his left. “Chris, would you?” 

Chris was a white man, in a suit, in his mid forties. Eleanor recognized him as part of the medical staff who travelled along with the boys on tour. “Well, Louis. I’m here to give you a briefing into the new diet and exercise plan, answer any questions you have, make the transition as smooth as possible” He said gently. 

Lous frowned, not even acknowledging this man’s words. He looked at Simon “What? New diet? You’re putting us on a new diet? That’s crazy, Harry’s barely twenty for god’s sake, we’re supposed to eat..:” Louis’ rant was cut short by Simon’s calm voice. 

“No, Louis, we’re not putting dear Harry on any diet, this is just for you.” Simon’s smile was devilish by then and Louis couldn’t keep his face from falling. Eleanor raised her chin slowly from the sheet of paper. “You need to lose a bit of weight, mate, all of the others are going to the gym... Do you know there is a hashtag just for your stomach?” Simon and the men laughed briefly.

Eleanor looked at Louis, he had his eyes on his lap, was biting the insides of his cheeks. She couldn’t stop looking because she had never seen Louis like this, she wanted Louis to stand up and say that this was stupid, that he wasn’t going to do no bloody diet. That moment never came.

“Louis, are you alright?” Simon asked, dripping fake sympathy. “We didn’t even get to the new clothes you’ll be wearing.” At that Louis raised his face, hurt written all over. Eleanor didn’t know what to do, now she knew why Harry wasn’t there. Harry would’ve never allowed this. “No pretty girl by your arm will do much if you dress up like that. You know what I mean, right?”

Louis shook his head vehemently, eyes filling up quickly, teeth clenched. “No, I don’t know… What do you mean, Simon? Huh?” He asked, voice tight. 

“I want to help you, Louis. You don’t want to be that fat, gay guy in One Direction? Do you?” Louis looked like he could throw up or cry right then and there, Eleanor just sat in silence outrage. Even if she had always known Simon was perverse this was cruel, they were crushing him, they couldn’t do this… Could they?

They could. They could shape and colour those five kids and their lives in any way they wanted. 

“I’ll do it okay, I’d like to leave now” He said, his voice a shrill whisper, a plea. She put her small hand on his knee and he stood up. 

“No need to, Louis, you can stay here until... you’re feeling better” That smile would be etched onto her worst nightmares. The victory smile, from the day Simon Cowell had decided to go all in. Retrospectively, it was the beginning of the end. 

The men in suits left the room without a second glance. Louis dropped himself on a chair and tried to calm himself down to no avail. Head in his hands, loud breaths in and out “Louis, he’s being a jerk, he’s just doing this to make you feel bad, you know that none of that is true..:” Eleanor tried. 

“Don’t. You too, go.”.

“Do you want me to call Harry?” She asked softly. 

“No! Just go, for fucks sake…” His last words coming out with a choked sob. 

Eleanor gave a small squeeze to his hand and walked out of the board room, closing the door behind her. She wanted to cry as well. That was the first time she realized this wasn’t just a job, for two young men this was their hearts on the line. 

Leaning on the wall, she grabbed her phone and dialled. After a few seconds on the other side someone picked up. “Harry? Hey, it’s me. The meeting’s over, you need to get here… He needs /you/…”

10.01.2019 - Almost Midnight - Louis’ Hollyood Hills Home, Los Angeles, United States of America

The back of Louis’ hair was a mess, he stumbled around his own kitchen with the lights out. The moonlight displayed his silhouette as tried to reach a bottle of wine on the top shelf. His fingers rose the tip of it, his movements were clumsy and it fell, crashing loudly against the floor. “Oops!” Louis chanted and started laughing. 

When his laughter died down he pulled a chair from the kitchen table, pushed it near the kitchen counter, climbed on top of it and properly grabbed another bottle from the top shelf. “Stupid fucking shelf” He cursed. “Stupid fucking bottle…”

Louis walked to the living room. The only light coming from the TV. A youtube video from ClevverTV. A blonde girl explained in detail why Harry Styles saying that he legally couldn’t speak about Louis gave away so much more than actually speaking about him and how he could be facing a lawsuit, if what he said was true. Louis dropped himself on the couch, his t shirt had wine stains on it. 

He uncapped the bottle and drank without a glass. Theories about a probable divorce that justified the legal arrangement between the two popstars. His PR team had already said that the legal issue was due to the animosity that had always existed between them, the whole nemesis narrative. No one was buying that. Louis threw the remote against the TV. The video went on. 

After a moment, Louis took a long swig of his wine and grabbed his phone, taking another one as the thing turned itself on. Two thousand calls from Lottie, a bunch from Liam, two from Eleanor. He wasn’t calling them back. He should, but he dialled someone else’s number. The tone was loud and clear in Louis’ ear: “Hi, this is Harry. If you have this number, I probably want to listen to what you have to say but I must be busy, sorry about that. If you leave a message, I promise to listen.” Then the bip. Harry would already see the missed call, he was drunk and angry, why not?

“‘Ello Harry, it’s me. It’s nice to see that all of your songs and your interviews still talk about me, must be nice making your money on me, god knows I’m not making it” He didn’t sound soooo slurred, did he? “But now I will, oooh yeah, I’ll make it rain, baby” He laughed, he was laughing a lot tonight. “Cause I’m suing your pear shaped ass. Yeah, you heard me right. Was it worth it, H? Was it planned? That’s what I really want to know. Was it staged? Talk about us, let them all go wild and just use that as publicity? Very smart. Very inconsiderate but very very smart. Your team is really doing you good. A moment of silence for them...” Louis was silent for three seconds, then he hiccuped and laughed. “Maybe moments of silences are not for congratulations, oh well, never mind. What was I saying? Oh yeah, very inconsiderate. Wasn’t I clear the last time? I don’t want to have anything to do with you, I don’t want to be asked about you in interviews, I don’t want to talk about you, I don’t want to think of you, Harry…” He went quiet for a moment, phone still held tight to his ear. 

“Why did you have to do that?” He asked, voice smaller. “It’s really fucking fucked up that you- you go around preaching that everyone can be who they bloody want to be and then make me-make me talk about this” Louis watched Harry’s smile on the screen, like he had been naughty, like he had told a secret that wasn’t his to tell, like he knew what he was doing and he did it anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm quite proud of this one. 
> 
> Thank you to anyone who reads, comments and likes. It really makes my fucking day. 
> 
> Have a nice rest of your week x


	4. The shiver that I can't shake

Chapter Four  
The shiver that I can’t shake

12.20.2015 - Midday - Harry’s New Flat, London, England. 

It was the last time they'd see each other for a long time. They had had sex and Louis had left as soon as he woke up. Harry was already up, of course, and he was making breakfast like they were still together, with that hopeful smile and his bare chest. Louis had a gurgly hangover stomach and a heavy heart, the night before sealed in his memory forever. 

The sex had been great but at the same time it had been slow, eager, nervous, sad, goodbye sex. Like they just wanted more of it, even if they were so full and so tired, because they knew that they weren’t going to have this anymore. The safest thing they had had for years was, as soon as they got dressed, over. There would be no obligation to see the other, exactly the thing Louis had been praying for all those months. Not to see Harry’s perfect face every morning, not to have to listen to his playful replies on interviews, not to smell his cologne, not to watch him close the door behind his own hotel room door, because they didn’t share one anymore. 

There had been a small gathering, at Niall’s. Some people from the crew, the band, some friends and, of course, the four of them. One Direction had been over for a week. Oddly enough Harry got quite tipsy and consequently embarrassingly flirty. Harry had always been kind of a horny drunk, saucy dunk. Louis usually called him a kinky drunk, but a really cute one. 

Louis had been so close to not going to the party, he was tired of repeating over and over how this was an opportunity for them to discover themselves and their music style and explore their possibilities. He was up til here with the mature response and the polite smile. If it were for him the band would be fucking on and if he wanted to get pissed he could get pissed at home, where no one was looking. Of course Liam and Niall just weren’t having that. 

Louis did get drunk, don’t get him wrong, he wouldn’t have standed that sober. But it was a surprisingly uneventful drunkness. He danced terribly and stumbled a little but it was quite the intimate party. He was actually having fun when he saw it: Harry, curled up on the living room couch. Perfect shiny pants and hair still wonderfully done falling asleep before 3 AM. Louis guessed some things didn’t change.  
Ever the gentleman, he offered to call him a car but ended up getting head in the back of his own private car. It drove them to Harry’s. The new apartment that he had never been to, clearly decorated by someone expensive but still completely Harry’s style. 

“Do you want to? Or do you want me to?” Harry had asked, cupping his face and stroking his cheek with his thumb. Louis was sitting on the side of the bed, shirt already off, Harry between his legs in his boxers. The lights were off, the city lights and the moon making the younger boy’s skin shiny pale. And Louis softened, he sighed and all the composure and the fake enthusiasm for the hiatus were gone with the wind. 

10.02.2019 - Sunset - Gemma’s Flat, London, England. 

Harry Styles sat in an orange cardigan by a petite wooden table, silently he stared at it as if he could muster the secrets of the universe if he looked hard enough. Gemma’s slender hand startled him when she put down in front of him a steaming Hufflepuff mug.  
“Don’t let it go cold again, please.” She said. Harry smiled a little at that and nodded. 

A small breakfast counter separated the kitchen from the dining room. The walls were mostly windows and countless pots with flowerless plants adorned even the smallest of spots. The kitchen behind the counter looked cozy. On it’s wall only a clock and one picture: Gemma, Anne, Robin and Harry sitting in the living room of their childhood home; Harry must’ve been around fifteen at the time. She came back into the dining room with a mug of her own and sat down on top of the table, facing Harry. 

“Can I listen to it?” 

“No.” Harry replied before taking a sip of his mug and hissing. 

“Too hot now? C’mon.” She teased. “Did you delete it?”. 

“No.” He said again, sighing after. She smiled devilishly “I don’t know, Gemms, he’s probably-probably embarrassed…” 

“Embarrassed? You’ve drunk-called him too. Harry, you guys need to cut this out…”

It was true. Harry had called Louis while being drunk a number of times. Mostly after they broke up.The first nights living in his own apartment, having already been on top of the world and dumped by the love of his life before even turning twenty two. Those were some of the darkest days of his life or so he had romantically thought. 

Nevertheless, Harry was never good at drinking. Everyone always joked about him being a lightweight, especially Louis, who was mostly the one dragging him home after. It was the fun kind of dragging though and also there was a whole team in charge of dragging all five of them home, so it was bound to be fun. 

“That was different. I-I called singing or begging or missing him at some party and asking to go to his place, probably begging, yeah…” Harry somehow remembered that fondly, he felt like a very different man from that boy he used to be. “This message was… he hates me.” 

“He doesn’t hate you, Harry” Gemma drawled, she sounded tired. 

“He does.” Harry insisted, taking a long sip out of his mug, like it wasn’t tea but bourbon. 

“Call him.” 

“Already tried. I’m blocked again.” Gemma hummed, placing a hand on her little brother’s broad shoulder, she gave it a squeeze. She had been listening to this story for the past literal ten years and as much as she knew they both cared about each other she had already told Harry once that she thought they needed to be done with it all. Her little brother was suffering and as much as she loved Louis, she really thought this was a bad idea from the moment that Harry called her to say that they were going to keep their relationship a secret for a little while. 

She remembers her smile dropping and Harry asking her what she thought. Gemma lied. Harry was seventeen, she didn’t think she had ever even kissed anyone other than Louis. A secret love seemed like something you’d want at seventeen, it would be no use fighting him on it. And as the years went on she never asked him when, she never asked him if he wanted to tell everyone, she knew he did. 

“Want to call him from my phone?” She offered, taking the scrunchy from her hair and starting to tie a baby ponytail with Harry’s hair on top of his head.

“No. What are you doing?” He asked, smiling only slightly. 

“There. Now you’re pretty.” She said. Harry pretended to be offended. 

“How dare you? I wasn’t pretty before?” He asked, playing it out like a diva. Gemma laughed loudly before standing up and walking around the table until she stood behind Harry, wrapping her arms around his neck. Her head hung over his shoulder. 

“Why did you say that in the interview?” she asked, her voice muffled with her mouth against his cardigan. Harry closed his eyes, resting his head against the side of his sister’s. He was silent for a moment.

“Have you heard his songs?” Harry asked after a while, he sounded embarrassed. “The new ones, from Madrid.”

“No, Haz, I haven’t dissected every lyric from my ex brother in law’s new songs.” She explained. He opened his eyes and elbowed her. “Were they mean?”

“No, they were really really nice.”

09.14.2019 - Right after sunset - Backstage, Recinto de Conciertos Valdebebas, Madrid, Spain.

Louis brushed his teeth with his eyes fixed on the sink. He spat and rinsed, taking his sweet time before looking up in the mirror. He looked good, Liam was going to be there, they were going for drinks after. El was there too, somewhere around the venue with Oli. Lottie and her friends were there. It wasn’t even a real show of his own. Harry had already done a bunch of shows like this, on his own, but he didn’t have to think about Harry now. This moment wasn’t for Harry. This moment was his, finally. Except for the songs. Yeah, those were mostly for Harry. 

This had been the moment he had dreamt of ever since he could remember. Everyone out there was waiting for him. He had this. He had to have this. His hand trembled and he gripped the sink before taking a deep breath. He was worried about the fans not knowing the lyrics, cause some of the songs were brand new. He had tried to tell this to his team but nobody listened. 

“You’re out in a bit over twenty, Louis” A girl with colorful hair with a red coca cola cap popped into the bathroom backstage. “Can I get you anything?” Why was she asking if he needed anything? Did she do that with everyone? Did he look nervous? Did he look more nervous than other artists?

“A beer love, thanks.” The girl nodded and left. 

Louis ran his hands through his face. He had promised someone or maybe everyone that he was going to be completely sober. It was embarrassing, that people made him promise stuff like that, like he was a drunk. The girl with the colorful hair came right back with a small uncapped bottle of beer and took off with a smile. Louis looked at it for a moment before placing it on the side of the sink. His hands were definitely shaking and he wasn’t entirely sure why. 

He took his phone from his pocket and unlocked the screen. He looked up for a moment before and cursed to himself before locking the door and moving to sit on top of the toilet lid. With a frown on his face, he grabbed the phone with two hands that rested on top of his knees. He pressed the screen and put the phone to his ear. 

02.08.2012 - Mid morning - Princess Park Manor, London, England. 

“It is a dining table, we will use it to dine… Can you help me a bit over here?” Harry was pushing a rectangular wooden table against a bright white wall. Once it went all the way over he sighed, his fringe looked sweaty but he was smiling brightly. 

Louis was walking absentmindedly, looking at his phone. Two of the movers placed a couch before stepping outside the room. Without taking his eyes off the screen, Louis plopped on the couch. Harry snorted before sneaking up to Louis and starting to tickle him. Louis dropped his phone instantly. 

“Hazza stop, you’re going to make me wee!” He complained as he laughed. Harry proceeded to sit on top of him. 

“Just say it.”

“No.”

“Louis, say it.”

“No!” Louis shrieked “Harry, I’m seriously about to pee” Louis’ voice came strangled from all the laughing. 

“Say it or I’ll never…” 

“Will you want the yellow bookcase in this room, sir?” The movers were back, carrying a heavy yellow bookcase that Harry had fallen in love with last time they went furniture hunting for their new home. 

He instantly came off Louis, a deep blush shading his round cheeks. It was Louis who stood up gracefully, running a hand through his hair and walked up to the two men in their work attires. “Just leave it there, man, curly and I will figure it out.” He said, charming smile on. Harry was sure he would never be able to stop watching him. “Oh and there’s no need to call either of us sir, thanks.” One of the men chuckled as they retreated to bring the rest of the stuff. 

Louis took that as a victory and slowly walked up to Harry with a sly grin. He crouched in front of his face and when he was inches away he just whispered: “Kitchen table.” Harry didn’t even fight him on the name of the thing, he kissed Louis fully, on the mouth, biting his lower lip just the way he liked it.

12.20.2015 - Sometime in the AM - Harry’s New Flat, London, England. 

“Go slow.” Harry’s voice was small. He was sprawled on the bed, his skin glowed under the city lights that came in through the window of his room. His legs were hanging over Louis’ shoulders, his hips rose slightly from the bed for Louis to have a proper angle. His green eyes were closed. “I want to feel you.” 

Louis’ eyes were very open and he was rapidly sobering up and starting to think that this was not the best idea. He and Harry hadn’t had sex in almost three months and it was hard. Louis didn’t even consider the possibility of ever letting another person be inside of him and even if he were considering any contestants, no one could compare. They knew each other. You know how they say ‘inside and out’? Well, they literally did. He could make Harry come in minutes, especially when he was this soft, begging for it, tugging the duvet, eyes rolled back as Louis thrusted, slowly, so Harry could feel him. 

It was slow sex and it allowed Louis to watch Harry one last time. To watch fully the way his ribs poke out when he sucked in a sharp breath to moan brokenly. His plump cherry lips were parted in a way that made it look like Harry couldn’t control his face anymore. 

Louis had tried saying no for like a full three seconds but Harry was Harry and he started taking off his white vaporous shirt and taking off Louis’ t shirt, kissing his stomach sloppily and undoing his pants. There was no saying no. He had barely even been able to wank the past three months because all the sexy things that came to his mind had the shape or the smell or the voice of the man that he was inside of right then. 

“Oh, Lou…” Harry growled but his voice was tight. 

“Tell me.” Louis said, his commanding voice serious, calm as he fastened the pace of his thrusting. “What do you want, baby?” The nickname slipped. Another thing he hadn’t done the past three months. 

“I-I…” Harry came with a cry but his eyes remained closed, a shiver ran through him when Louis was pulling out. Louis looked down at himself, he was still hard, but he had already come when Harry was blowing him. He got off the bed and started looking for something to clean them both up a bit when he heard it. “Are you leaving now?”

“H, are you…?” Before he could ask anything Harry was covering his face with his hands. It wasn’t big sobs and ugly crying, just tiny sniffles that carved little cracks to Louis’ heart. With his chest still covered with cum, Louis walked back to the bed and scooted close to Harry who instantly wrapped himself around him. 

“I’m staying the night, okay?” Louis shushed him. “It’s fine, I’m getting in bed, see? Don’t cry.” He said as he willed to get them both under the covers, Harry’s cheeks against his chest. If there was one thing Louis had missed, that was cuddling Harry to sleep. 

02.08.2012 - Sunset - Princess Park Manor, London, England. 

A naked Louis laid between a pair of long, white, milky legs. His head was on top of a white, milky stomach with two sets of nipples. Harry played with Louis’ sweaty hair, a dazed smile on his face. “You’re so beautiful.” Harry whispered, even if now they had this whole manor to themselves. Louis smiled and looked up as much as he could before planting a kiss to Harry’s naked stomach. 

“Do you want to go again?” Louis asked devilishly as he kissed Harry’s belly button. 

“My dick says yes but my bum says it’s a definite no.” Harry said and Louis chuckled. “That unless you’re ready to let me try.” Louis sighed and looked away again. “I was joking, we don’t have to.”

“I know but you want to.”

“Come up here” Harry ushered him, so Louis climbed until he was actually covering Harry’s body with his. He rested his head on top of Harry’s heart, it was beating under Louis’ ear. That perfect marvelous heart that Harry carried inside of him, thumping. Louis just listened for a while. “Can I tell you a secret?”

“You don’t have to baby me, Harry, it’s fine…” Louis struggled to get off of Harry, the other kept him to his chest, with his arms. 

“We have the rest of our lives.”

“What?” Louis stopped his struggle. 

“There’s no rush, we have the rest of our lives.” 

11.10.2019 - The Afternoon - Louis’ Hollywood Hills Home, Los Angeles, United States of America

Louis could hear the doorbell or maybe it was just in his head, his head was pounding. Wine hangovers are known to be the worst. “Go away” he mumbled, eyes still closed. He could tell without opening them that he had fallen asleep on the couch again. The bloody doorbell continued and then his phone went off as well, he groaned. Whoever it was, he didn’t want to be seen. He was confident he could sleep through whoever it was though. Lately he could sleep through anything, it was a skill he had been developing for the past few years. 

The next time he woke up there were people talking, he considered going back to sleep but he really really had to pee. The light was sharp to his sleepy eyes and he groaned. The voice that spoke next was definitely Niall. 

“Oi, sleeping beauty’s awake” Louis squinted at him with only half feigned malice. “You don’t even remotely remember we had a golf date, right?” He asked with a chuckle. Louis did feel a little bad about that now. He just blinked a couple of times in response and Niall laughed properly. 

“Is that today?” Louis asked, his throat was a wreck. “Why is it so cold in here?” When he sat up he realized the windows were open and his house looked different. Clean different.

“Because we opened the windows so the hermit stench would dissipate.” Liam replied, sounding closer and closer until his head popped up from the hall. 

“It wasn’t that bad.” Louis said, pulling the blanket to his chin where he sat on the couch. Then he turned to look at Niall. “Why did you call him?”

“Dunno, mate. Have been calling you for a couple of days. He has keys. I worried” Niall admitted scratching his neck. 

“Oh, Ni…” Louis said, trying to keep the mood light. “I just went to bed so late and…”

“You never went to bed. You slept on the couch.” Liam corrected as he approached them. He seemed tense.

“Am I grounded, mum?” Louis asked playfully. He wanted them to leave. He didn’t want anyone opening his windows and emptying his ashtrays. But mostly he didn’t want a pep talk. He paid for his and his whole family’s living. He didn’t need anyone telling him how to live his life. This was his best. Maybe Niall could stay, they could play some video games or something, Niall was good, he wouldn’t ask that many questions.

“You told me you were in London. After his interview?” Liam’s tone was serious. “You lied to me and you locked yourself up here to drink and what? Watch Harry sing about you in sparkly shirts? Lou, really?”.

“I wasn’t watching…”

“Youtube was asking if you were still watching some video of Harry in St. Paul.” Niall chipped in, speaking slowly, almost as if he regretted saying it. Maybe he did after the look of sheer betrayal Louis handed him. “When we walked in.”

“Look, he’s a total jerk, he went in that interview planning to say that he legally…” Louis flailed, speaking rapidly, blurting out words. Liam interrupted. 

“That was a month ago, Louis.” With that Louis stood up from the couch, throwing the blanket to the floor. It hadn’t been a month, had it? He didn’t want Liam to know that he hadn’t realized that it had been a month. He wanted them to go. So he left, stomping down the hall. “Come here, Louis! You can’t just leave!” He heard Liam call after him. 

“I’m just going to have a fucking wee, can I? Do you want to watch?” He asked venomously, walking back to the living room so he could give Liam a death glare. Liam simply looked into his best friend’s tired eyes and sighed. “Thanks.” Louis spat at Liam’s silent reply before scurrying down the hall. 

09.14.2019 - Right after sunset - Anne Twist’s residence, London, England. 

“I’m coming! I’m coming!” Anne shouted at her ringing phone as if the person on the other side of the line could hear her. She couldn’t find it. It wasn’t on the bed or in the kitchen. The ringing stopped and just then she remembered: the toilet, of course. She laughed, she was always forgetting the phone in the loo. 

When the light of the screen hit her face she smiled softly before tapping it twice and putting the phone to her ear. It only rang twice. “Hey, Loubear.” She said as she looked at her face in the bathroom mirror. She smiled but her eyes looked sad, her eyebrows arching like a gable roof. 

“How long til you’re out, honey?” She asked and nodded as she heard the reply. “Okay, okay slow down, remember to breathe.” Anne turned off the bathroom light and walked to the hallway window. The streets of London were covered in autumn leaves.

“Louis, you’re there because you’re good at what you love.” She was about to say something else but she closed her mouth. “Yes, you are, darling” She chuckled. “Of course I’m watching, I wouldn’t miss it for the world.”

Anne had made a promise to a younger Louis, to always pick up the phone and always listen. She had promised that she’d always want to listen and she’d always be there for him. She knew from Harry that the older boy really did call to hear the answer phone so she offered her phone and, only after she promised Harry had had nothing to do and would never be informed of such phone calls between them, Louis agreed. 

“Oh, Lou, no” She cooed patiently. “Louis, you’ve been waiting for this and more important you’ve been working for this, so hard.” Her eyes filled up and she placed her thumb to the corner of her eye. “Nerves are good, nerves mean you’re still the beautiful humble boy that I met almost ten years ago. Do you remember how nervous you were then? Cause I do and look where it got you?” Anne was silent for a second and then she laughed honestly. “Your mum was so sure. I seriously worried Harry wouldn’t pass but your mum was so so sure you would, Lou. She is so proud of you”

He rarely called in a proper state and after his son and him parted ways a second time, he called less and less. She understood. Despite all the childish pranks and reckless behaviour she knew Louis’ had had to be much more mature than a lot of boys his age many times and he always rose to the occasion. She knew he could probably deal with nerves before coming on stage on his own but she was glad that he didn’t want to. She was happy to be there for him. 

“Okay. I love you. I’m watching you so call me if you can, when you’re done, I want to congratulate you.” She laughed again and blew a kiss to the phone before hanging up. 

The street of her house was rather empty, the naked trees swung lightly with the wind. Anne looked up at the grey London sky and smiled softly. She was keeping her promise.

12.15.2015 - Midday - Harry’s New Flat, London, England. 

Fully dressed, with his sweaty fringe covering his eyes, Louis walked down the hall of Harry’s new flat. He had only moved here after the end of the tour but it was already fully furnished and decorated, there were pictures and weird paintings. Louis had yet to pick a flat in London. His things were still in the one he used to share with Harry before he broke it off three months ago. He was sleeping at Liam’s.

From the hallway he could see Harry’s naked back and he could smell the chocolate and banana pancakes he was making. They were Louis’ favorites. Harry had woken up and instead of regretting everything instantly he had made pancakes because that was who Harry was. 

Who Louis was? He was the guy who picked up the guy he had broken up with and took him home to drunk fuck him and leave as soon as he woke up the next morning. He didn’t like very much who he was at the moment.

When his steps got close enough Harry turned around, his smile vanished the moment he caught sight of Louis’ fully dressed form with his phone and wallet in hand. “Oh, you’re leaving…” 

Louis licked his lips. “Yeah, I have to…” He didn’t have the heart to make up a lie. Harry didn’t have the heart to be lied to. 

“It’s alright.” He said, his fake smile evident to the person he had woken up next to for the past five years. “Thanks for like… not letting me sleep on the couch.” Louis chuckled faintly, looking at his feet. “Were there people making out right next to me? Was I really lame?” 

“No. You looked great. Your shiny pants were a good distraction from your drooling face.” 

“That was exactly their purpose.” Harry smiled softly and Louis couldn’t help but laugh and shake his head. “Stay for breakfast.” He said hopefully. Louis licked his lips. 

“I… I should get going, it’s going to be hard enough to slip out of your house unseen and all.”

After his words Harry’s face turned somber, not even the shadow of the smile that laid upon it only a few seconds ago. “Good luck with that” He said drily, turning to face the stove again and leaving Louis alone with his muscly back. 

“I’m sorry.” Louis said softly but Harry didn’t turn back. After that they didn’t really talk or see each other for almost a year.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sooooo quarentine
> 
> Thanks to anyone reading. I am accepting critics at the moment, engligh is not my mother language so please do tell me if I'm making a mess. 
> 
> Comments or just kudos really make my fucking day. 
> 
> Be safe yall.  
Loads of Love 
> 
> \- M


	5. The Little Vegas Chappel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a birthday present for my dearest Lil Nis. Better late than ever xxx

Chapter Five   
The Little Vegas Chapel

08.28.18 // Meeting Room, Alison Law Solicitors, London, UK // Early Morning

“So, Mr. Styles will be keeping the Rhode Island house and the East London apartment and gladly the owners of the land in Pennsylvania agreed to cancel the sale so that won’t be an issue. As for the joint bank account…”

Harry looked up at Louis, sitting in front of him on the other side of a long oval shaped table. The pair of blue eyes was already him and they didn’t look away when their gazes locked. Harry gave up the staring contest quickly, as the voice of his lawyer, a bulky short haired lady in an enviable charcoal suit, droned out. 

She had advised him to ask for more than half of the stuff they had acquired together in the past four years, explaining that his incomes from the past two had overruled Louis’ by far. He didn’t care, he didn’t need more money or more properties, he didn’t want to take anything from Louis. He just wanted to leave that room. 

“... So, if you sign here, Mr. Tomlinson, we’ll be done.” She finished gently, pushing the perfectly pressed divorce papers across the table. 

“There’s one more thing.” Louis’s lawyer was slimmer, a brunette, and she looked like she was ready to show teeth. Harry and his own turned to her but Louis didn’t, his eyes were fixed on Harry. “Mr. Styles shall not bring up his relationship with my client in any kind of public circumstance.” 

Harry turned to look at Louis and chuckled bitterly. He simply hadn’t been expecting it and for some reason it felt like a cruel move on his side. 

“Are you kidding me, Louis?” He asked, addressing him directly, decorum and legal bullshit be damned. “You’re turning our divorce into a “Non Disclosure Agreement”? You’re making /me/ sign an NDA?” 

“I don’t trust you.” 

The words were tight, his face emotionless. Harry was fuming but he didn’t reply, his lawyer’s hand was on his forearm, helping him hold back from the scene he was about to cause. He tried to convince himself that it was more disbelief than hurt but it simply stung like hell. 

“My client and I will have to discuss the matter privately since this clause wasn’t included in the original terms...”

“I’ll sign. Give me the papers.” Harry moved forward as he placed his elbows over the glass table, chest puffed out. “If this is what you need I’ll do it, it’s the only thing that matters to you after all.” 

It was Louis’ turn to look away now. 

The brunette woman handed Harry the papers, Louis'childish signature was already scribbled in it’s rightful spot. Harry signed angrily, he could’ve sworn the sound of the pen drawing it’s mark echoed. 

10.10.2014 // Las Vegas, Nevada, United States of America // In the AM 

Harry Styles’ long strong hands were sweaty as he played with the tacky fabric of his white veil. He had pushed all his greasy hair underneath it. They hadn’t even stopped at a hotel in fear of getting caught. It was rare but it was possible. One drunken idiot wasting away in Las Vegas that recognized them would have been enough to ruin everything; that of course, if Louis didn’t run away. 

The bride’s chamber wasn’t much bigger than a broom closet. There was a minibar and a loveseat, white fake leather and fake diamonds was definitely the theme. Harry brushed his teeth in an attempt to feel a little less like he had been in a car for the past nine hours. The thought of running to check on Louis flashed across his mind as he rinsed, making sure that he was still at the reception. He recognized hunger and exhaustion on the mild headache that was building up. 

Dreamers have it harder when reality makes itself exceptionally real. Crushing reality clawed on the thick wallpaper that fell apart from the edges of the wall. Would Louis be feeling it too? Would his stomach twist and cramp with the certainty that this was not how things were supposed to go? Or would he still think this made it even more romantic? How long could their state of secrecy be glamorized in order to prevent the heartbreak? Their love felt like that tree falling alone in the woods: if nobody was there to see it, did it even exist? 

The tacky tacky veil that brushed his hair backwards was itching to be the symbol of Harry’s hardest try at the affirmative response. This had to mean something, even to those suit-clad, assholes and their signed paper world. They would have their own paper island, if Louis was still outside. If Louis signed the paper. If Louis.

12.24.2015 // Ellen Degenere’s Yacht, St. Barts, Anguilla // 3 AM

“He’s a fucking dick, he’s just a dick that fucks” Harry blabbered, sprawled on a chair on the luxurious watercraft. The moonlight laid perfectly on him, as always, his long legs fell out on each side of the seat, bent at the knees. The sound of the ocean accompanied it’s movement. “And then he just leaves leaves leaves” His head shook from one side to the other, hair a mess that covered half his face. “Leaves me stranded, leaves her pregnant, leaves El jobless…”

“I thought he didn’t fuck girls, with his dick that fucks?” That earned a giggle from Harry. 

“It’s complicated.” 

Kendall Jenner snorted a laugh as she stumbled to her seat next to Harry’s with a drink in each hand. Her long black hair was pulled up in a bun and she was wearing a colorful summer robe over her bathing suit. Harry had his eyes closed and she took the opportunity to look at him for a moment. Out of the blue a suddenly single Harry Styles had decided to spend the holidays with her family and here they were, drunk on a yacht on the day before Christmas. 

“I should say happy birthday to him... yeah, I’m going to do that.” Harry blinked his eyes open a couple times, his whole face soft and disoriented. 

“Harry, no” Kendall placed the drinks on the deck’s wooden floor and proceeded to sit on the side of Harry’s lounge chair.

“But his birthday is today” He emphasized, propping himself up on his elbows. 

“It will still be his birthday in the morning.” Her patronizing smile was glowing white in the dark of the night. “And you’ll be sober.” Harry plopped on his back again with a defeated sigh. 

There was a moment of silence in which she picked up her drink and gave it a long sip. Harry was still the boy she had met two years ago, he who charmed her mother in the blink of an eye. It had been easy to get the yacht to themselves. There was a lot of pressure from her family. Her sisters were texting her non stop and yet here she was. Stopping him from drunk calling his ex because once again she had to admit to herself that she wasn’t Kim, she wasn’t their mum, she didn’t have what it took to sit on top of him right now and make him forget, as they’d say. 

“Do you think he wants me to call him?” Kendall sighed and moved to sit on her own chair, admitting defeat on her own. 

“Of course he wants you to call him, everyone wants you to call them.” Her joke made Harry giggle again because that’s the kind of man he was and she smiled a huge smile that only the moon was able to catch. His eyes were closed again. 

“Not-not this time, no, I don’t think so.” Harry slurred. “I was abso-lutely pathetic, did my fair share of begging, Ken, like, literally begging him to stay after sex? Well, that. I break up with him, I beg him to sleep with me and-and he does... He was so nice, like that moment at the end of movies where the guy finally…” Harry hiccuped and his eyes opened, he hiccuped again. “Finally notices he’s made a lot of mistakes and comes back, I thought he was coming back to me.” 

Harry sighed, his breath smelt like vodka. He was probably boring Kendall out of her mind even if she was looking straight at him, hanging onto his every word. He knew she liked him, really liked him. Yet Harry did what he was about to do: he couldn’t have what he wanted so he threw himself at anything he could actually have. How ironic, he thought, watching the yellow moon in the sky, in a world that claimed to love him he felt the loneliest he had in awhile, how pathetic.

What he was about to do was unfair to the woman in the lounge chair next to him but he did it anyway. Did he do it out of spite? Probably not. He knew that no matter how vigorously Kendall trembled under his body on that chair, Louis wouldn’t find out. They weren’t going to get papped in the middle of the ocean. 

It wasn’t a very kind thing to do, fucking an actual good friend who had a huge crush on him because he was heartbroken but he couldn’t always be kind, always be sweet, always be lovely; it didn’t even work anyway.

10.10.2014 // Las Vegas, Nevada, United States of America // In the AM 

Louis Tomlinson was wearing a small black hat with the word “GROOM” written in tiny glitter stones. He looked at himself in the mirror. Tired, pale, nerves etched onto the sides of his face. Things don’t always happen the way we dream about them, Louis thought. 

The little Vegas chapel -now closed to the public, dimly lit and silent- held a certain magic to itself. The main stand on the reception had on display, behind a wall of glass, a variety of hats, bows, veils and other accessories. The only light was coming from it, illuminating Louis’ ghostly figure in the mirror. He hadn’t properly slept in over twenty four hours. 

His slender hand wrapped around a small plastic cup filled up halfway with brown liquor. The sound of feet fluttering against the carpeted floor startled the hand awake and he downed the rest of the glass with resolved thirst. Plastic cups at your wedding had to be bad luck. 

“Sir… Are you ready?” Louis smiled honestly and nodded.

06.22.2018 //Backstage, Madison Square Garden, New York City //Late Afternoon

Louis Tomlinson sat on a leather couch with his feet propped up, his face practically hidden inside his grey hoodie. From where he could, he peeked at his phone nervously, not really paying much attention to it. There was no one else in the room. It appeared to be a changing room. In front of the couch, the back of an empty chair in front of a mirror. 

Suddenly the door flew open and Louis looked up with wide eyes. A girl with a headset and a thin folder on her hands barged in, she looked around and without a second look at Louis she closed it shut with a thud. Louis threw his head back against the armrest of the couch and started tapping his foot impatiently. 

He had been here before. He had been there for a show of his own, three years ago. Louis’ eyes drifted to the door again, it remained closed. He was a lot more nervous than he had been at the time and he wasn’t even going to perform. Second handed nerves weren’t news to him. His mind floated to a warmer time, a brighter time, a time for simpler fears that foolishly appeared to be bigger than life itself. 

Back in the day Harry’s hand had grabbed his as they walked through an empty Madison Square Garden. Louis had been astonished, his smile as wide as it gets, but Harry had been scared. Dead scared. Long gone where now those days where Harry could get so nervous before a show that it would make him physically sick. Louis couldn’t say he missed it because, hell, Harry was fierce now, he owned the scene, he was going to own tonight’s show. Still, there was a twinge of nostalgia to it.

The door opening wide at once again startled Louis who jumped on the couch. Harry stepped in clad in a blue suit with pink arrangements on it’s sides. He seemed to be laughing at Louis’ distress. 

“Did I scare you?”.

“You think so?” Louis stood up from the couch, raising an eyebrow. His eyes were always on Harry and Harry’s were on his all the way.

The taller boy walked over and kissed him fully: an arm around the smaller back, a hand full of rings clinging forcefully to a grey hoodie. Louis was on his tiptoes and he almost lost his balance when Harry broke the kiss to bury his head in Louis’ shoulder. 

“Are you sure you don’t wanna sit outside? I have something special planned out” Now it was Louis’ turn to push back, a look of fear on his features. 

“What did you do?” 

“Nonono, it’s nothing too…” Harry rushed to explain, still playful but his arm had abandoned Louis’ waist, the hoodie freed of his grip. “It’s something just for you and me, okay?” 

“Then I’ll watch from the window.” 

Harry looked away, nodding. Without another word he turned to the mirror and the chair. He made himself busy by sitting down and picking up two different shades of lipstick and comparing them, both a very light shade of pink. Louis simply looked at him, watched him as he nodded on. It felt like hours since he had said he’d watch from the window even if it had only been seconds, he wanted to say something but he couldn’t think of anything. 

The door was yanked open yet again and Louis wondered if anyone had ever taught anyone how to knock on a bloody door but he didn’t say anything. The girl with the headset was back, her eyes were fixed on Harry.

“You’re on in fifteen. Soundcheck went great, Harry, you need anything?” 

Harry looked up at the girl. “Thanks Emma, I’m good.” He turned back to the lipstick, rolling the coloured bar in and out. “You want anything, Lou?” Louis shook his head and the door slamming shut made him wince. Harry was looking up at him and he sighed loudly. He loved having Louis backstage but he knew it gave Louis the jitters. Nobody else cared much about it. Not the band, not the staff. No one was going to ask many questions. The only one bold enough to make comments like that was Kacey and he had already warned her not to. 

Harry hurried to the door and popped his head outside. “Emma! Can you bring me a can of lager, love?” The answer could not be heard. “Thanks!” 

“Really? I thought you were all about being sober, especially about me being sober.” Harry bit his lip and shook his head, walking towards Louis standing in front of the leather couch. 

“I am but I have something special planned, told ya.” Harry stood nose to nose with the Doncaster beauty. Playfully, he pushed Louis onto the couch and with an exaggerated face he plopped on it. Harry let himself fall right next to him, his knees on Louis’ lap, his fingers on Louis’ neck. “We’re doing this in our own time, babe. There’s no rush to make a big announcement but...”

“I know, I know, H…” Louis licked his lips. “Can we go slow? Because all of a sudden you’ve told your whole tour crew and band and…” the door blew wide open and Louis went rigid under Harry’s touch, he cursed. “Fucking hell…” 

“Harry, here’s the lager. You’re out in five. Please, Harry.” Emma put the can on top of the small table in front of the mirror and she was out before either could thank her. As soon as that happened, Harry was kissing him fully but Louis pulled back, still rigid, like Harry’s hands were burning on him. 

The younger man stopped mid-kiss. He was looking at Louis but Louis wasn’t looking at him, his green eyes could’ve drilled holes into Louis’ cheeks but the other did not look up from his lap. The corners of Harry’s mouth were turned upside down and still he planted a huge wet kiss on his boyfriend’s cheek. With that he stood up from the couch, leaving a very troubled looking Louis sitting on the far corner with his legs clad in joggers pulled up.

“I’ll be looking up at you.” Louis finally turned his attention to Harry. “I love you.” The sound of the door closing could be heard before Louis’ reply made it’s way out of his mouth.

“Love you too, Harry”

10.10.2014 // Las Vegas, Nevada, United States of America // In the AM 

They walked each other down the tacky isle, sweaty hands locked in a tight grasp. Harry’s eyes were on Louis all the time, the other just laughed nervously. How come Harry could just look at him like this was their dream wedding? That bastard. He looked ahead, the pastor, that stranger, their sole witness and then back at Harry. ‘Look at me’ his eyes begged and Louis allowed himself to feel that he never wanted this moment to end. 

“We’re assembled here, in the presence of God” The preacher started. “To celebrate the joining of your marriage. There are no obligations, more sweet or tender, than those you’re about to assume.” Harry smiled at Louis, tiny veil, same sweaty gray shirt he’d been wearing for the past day and he smiled back. “And there are no vows more solid than those you’re about to take up on.”

Most of Harry’s fantasy weddings for them included a field, the most unnecessary of suits and their mums. He wanted Louis to grab a piece of cake with his hand and shove it in Harry’s mouth and he wanted a proper waltz. However this was theirs and Harry needed this. He needed the holy eye in the sky and all of it’s stars to know, to listen to them say it. Most of all he really needed to hear it.

“True marriage is the holiest of relationships. It should be entered into reverently, thoughtfully and with full understanding of it’s sacred nature.” The blonde woman’s expression was grave. She had taken them seriously from the first moment they came bursting through the door, hoods up and a set of expressions that easily told they were being chased by the devil. “To love is to enter a whole new world, a world of sharing with one another all that is dearest and deepest in your heart.”

The bitter taste left Harry’s mouth as the rehearsed, repeated and rinsed words from the preacher seeped in, her slow tone turning it into something beautiful for him. Who cared if those words were ordinary? Who didn’t want to be an exceptional cliché? He had entered a new world, with Louis, he wanted all that was dearest and deepest in his heart. The only thing Harry Styles craved lately was the ordinary, the empty words to fill with one’s very own hope, the stupid wildness, the marvelous stumblings of a life well owned. 

04.08.2012 // Seaside, Sydney, Australia // Before Sunset

“You are shivering” 

Harry Styles was sporting a sweater and joggers, the rest of the lads had gone inside to put some clothes on as well. He was sitting on a lounge chair, putting on a pair of socks. The afternoon was dying down and Louis, next to him, seemed to be denying it at all costs. 

“Am not” He said as a particularly strong shiver ran through him. Trying to be subtle he covered his feet with one of the towels in an attempt to keep them warm. Harry’s eyes travelled directly to the small movement and he stopped´putting his socks midway, proceeding to remove the right sock from his foot. “What are you…? Harold, there’s no need…” 

Harry smiled at him as he uncovered Louis’ feet and wrapped the socks around his frozen toes. Louis didn’t resist for more than half a second. He even stretched his legs and put them on top of the other’s lap. 

“You’re gonna get sick and you have to sing tomorrow, that’s very unprofessional.” 

“I’m a rockstar, young Harold, what can I say?” Harry laughed properly at that and Louis smiled devilishly. “Rockstars don’t get cold feet in their yachts.” 

“Oh so this is your yacht?” Harry asked, moving to lay with Louis on the same lounge chair, sloppily wrapping his arms around him to place his head on the other’s chest. 

“It could be.” Harry smiled playfully, looking up at him. 

“I may have said this already, but I’m a huge fan. I’ve been following you on tour all the way from my tiny tiny hometown in England.” Harry teased, looking at him with eager eyes. Louis smirked. This was a game he could easily play. 

“Yeah, you’ve said so, at least one billion times, kitten.” The nickname was so out of place. Harry snorted softly but remained in character, grinning silently as the sun set itself. 

“I was wondering if you’d give me an autograph” Harry bit his lip exaggeratedly when he looked at him. There wasn’t that big a difference between the honest look of adoration Harry was giving him and those that girls on the street greeted them with. 

Louis propped himself up on the chair with his elbow and ran a hand through his hair carelessly. “What was your name, love?” Harry hid his face on Louis’ chest, he was laughing properly now and Louis was smiling broadly, carding the curls in his hands. 

“I’m Harry Styles.” Harry’s voice came out muffled. “Could you sign one of my four nipples?” Harry couldn’t keep his voice straight, even Louis had to laugh at that. 

“Oh ‘course. Just let me…” Louis’ cold fingers pulled Harry’s sweater and shirt up and all of a sudden he started tickling him. Harry screamed before starting to toss and kick. 

“Oh my god, Louis, have mercy… Oh god!” Harry’s face was flushed red with laughter and Louis kissed him on the mouth as he stopped his attack on the younger boy. Harry panted into the kiss.

For one long moment they kissed, sloppy soft kisses on warm mouths and soft hair tugging as the ocean rocked them lightly. This was all they could ever dream of. This was the dream life: his friends getting ready for dinner inside, their voices barely audible in the dimming light of the deck. 

“Should we get the lovebirds?”

“I think they’re doing it on the lounge chair…” 

Louis pulled back from the kiss, flushed. “Oi, shut up, Z! We’re keeping it PG rated over here.” He yelled and Harry chuckled before sucking a love bite onto his collarbone. 

“Shower. C’mon, let’s shower for dinner. You’re going to freeze. I’ll pick you up.” Louis sat up instantly, pretending to be mad. 

“No! No picking up, Harold.” Harry put his hands up, giving up. He would’ve liked to pick Louis up but that could be arranged for later. He did grab his hand, waiting to be guided inside. He just couldn’t keep himself off of his boyfriend. 

10.10.2014 // Las Vegas, Nevada, United States of America // In the AM 

About a month ago, Louis had been on the phone with his mum -ecstatic with the last of her wedding preparations- and he hadn’t even been close to thinking that he’d elope with Harry a week before she married Dan. It scared him though, sometimes he thought his mum was some kind of witch -Did she always have to know? Even when he didn’t?- because she had joked about it. 

“I want to walk you down the aisle, Loubear.” She had said, the coo evident in her voice even through the phone. Louis had chuckled. 

“Well, it looks like I’m gonna walk you first.” He had joked back, the window of the Nashville hotel cool against his forehead. He hadn’t seen his mum in months, the wrapping up of the tour was never ending. He had had a sore throat all week and he had been hiding from Harry and he wasn’t telling his mum about it because she was getting married… or that’s what he told himself. “The girls have their dresses?”

“Well, yeah, but everyone picked their own. You see Lottie’s you might think she’s the one getting married.” Jay laughed on the other side of the line and Louis moved to drop his tired body on his bed. 

“Really?” He had asked, automatically. There was a quick silence. 

“Everything alright, Lou?” Her tone changed and Louis sat upright on the bed, startled by the change in their conversation. 

“Yeah, I just… I really want you to walk me down the aisle.” He had said, feeling stupidly emotional all of a sudden, quite honestly unsure of the reason for the whole straddling on his chest. 

Now here he was, without her, in Vegas, after a nine hour road trip across the state of Nevada, with his stomach jumping inside his body. Harry had turned to look at the pastor lady and he watched him nod. One tiny sweaty curl stuck out from the safe tuck the veil had ensured behind his ear. It took all his strength not to stretch a hand and put it back in it’s adorable place. 

“Love is to create an Oasis of tranquility for one another and a quiet place apart from others where you can be yourselves and know you’ll be accepted by one another.” Harry bit his lower lip and Louis smiled. That was Harry, he was the Oasis. He had been right from the start. It followed him everywhere he went and Louis wanted to hold on to it for as long as Harry would allow him. Right then, it looked a lot like forever. 

His husband to be turned to look at him and they chuckled silently for a fraction of a second, before catching themselves like kids and turning to the pastor. Louis felt the stupid emotional lump stuck right between his lungs as he drew in a deep breath. 

“Love is to follow the rainbow through the rain, to be able to laugh at yourselves, to be willing to say ‘I was wrong, I’m sorry.’, to forgive and most importantly to forget and always believe and trust in one another.” The pastor smiled, silent for a heartbeat in which both grooms turned to look at her, soft smiles on. 

“Do you have written vows?” 

“I!” Harry practically yelled, startling Louis as he raised his hand awkwardly and then lowered it instantly. “I-I have.” The lady smiled at him and nodded courtly. Harry took a deep breath as he searched for the ring in his jean pocket. 

“Do you have it?” Louis pressed on purpose, a sly smile on his face. This was too serious, he couldn’t take it without a joke.

“Shut up.” Louis smiled fondly. He could almost hear Harry’s heart rushing beat after beat as his big pale hand’s trembles resembled the flutter of a dragonfly’s wing until he finally pulled the tiny streak of gold out of his tattered black trousers. 

05.25.2016// Peckforton Castle, Cheshire, England // After lunch

Jamie and Rebekah Vardy’s wedding was beautiful. It took place during the day as the guests were able to enjoy the wonderful grounds of the actual castle they had rented for such an occasion. The ceremony had taken place before they moved on to a great dining hall for lunch. All the way, Louis could feel his heart beating funny in his chest, he didn’t know why he was getting so terribly emotional with his friend’s vows. Freaking Danielle noticed and picked up his hand, Louis removed himself softly. 

He ate even though he wasn’t really hungry and lost sight of his new girlfriend as soon as the meal was over, walking outside for a smoke. A part of him prayed that no one came to make small talk with him, the other just couldn’t not fear that nobody did. 

Danielle was good at mingling, she never lost an opportunity to make connections and he couldn’t blame her. Both of them implicitly knew what they had come looking for in this relationship plus she was nice, a lot more willing to talk to paps and cause a scene when needed than Eleanor. The one thing: they were having sex, every once ina blue moon, but it was real sex, straight people sex and she liked it. 

Everytime that Louis refused said sex he claimed that any of the multiple things that were very slowly going to shit in his life was taking a toll on him. She was nice about it, she didn’t mind being a little bit more caring for a couple of days, which made sense because she was his actual girlfriend. 

As Louis smoked he considered for a second that the girl in the red dress who was chatting animatedly with the bride was actually a man in a suit, with a hat of sorts and a hand full of rings running through the wildest curls. His phone ringing startled him from his daydream. His mum’s picture appeared on the screen, her own wedding dress on and floral arrangement perfectly put on her hair as well shone brightly. His stomach jumped and somewhere inside of him he already knew.

10.9.2014 // Rural Road, Nevada, United States of America // Almost midnight

The two men in the car were silent. It wasn’t a comfortable silence. It was the kind of silence you get after a full blown argument: heavy and loud. Louis drove and the younger man kept sending side glances at his boyfriend whose eyes were fixed on the road, as if driving could fix things, fix them. 

“We don’t have to do this.” Harry said as they passed by a gas station. 

Pumping gas unnoticed had proved a difficult task. They knew that if the two of them were spotted driving through Nevada this could turn into a nightmare. No one knew they were there. Their phones had been turned off. 

“So now that we’re two hours away you’re telling me that you don’t want to do this? Is that it?” 

Harry puffed out a breath and rubbed his eyes with his hand. This was a bad idea but he had wanted it so badly, childishly it was all he wanted.

“Louis, of course I want to do this. I’m just saying it because you look like…”

“I look like what? Look like what, Harry? Please, enlighten us because…” 

“You look like you’re about to shit yourself scared, okay?” Harry yelled, cutting Louis short. Even though he was still driving, Louis turned to Harry, a look of pure anger on his face. 

“Don’t you love saying it? That I’m scared? Is it some kind of crime? This is going to bring an actual shitstorm on us when they find out and…” Louis had this angry quick wit, rapid crazy words thrown. Harry’s eyes went from Louis’ face to the empty road ahead of them. They had been driving for a while now. The jet had dropped them off in Flagstaff, Arizona, as not to give away to anyone their actual destination. Of their nine hour drive, they still had two hours ahead. 

“Can you look at the road please? You’re going to get us killed.” Harry literally growled. 

“That would definitely give the press a field day, wouldn’t it? One Direction’s Harry Styles and the other one die in tragic accident. Simon would be thrilled? The only thing that would make more money than a living boy band would be a dead one.” 

“Stop the car.” 

“What?” 

“Stop the bloody car, Louis. I mean it.” 

“Jesus, Harry, I was joking!”

“Stop the car now.” Harry pushed the passenger’s door open an inch. Louis literally screamed as he slowed down abruptly. Harry had his seatbelt on but his body swayed forward and his forehead hit the board with a thud.

When they pulled over on the side of the road, Harry was clutching his face and Louis was looking at him guiltily.

“Babe, let me see…” His soft hands went straight to Harry’s face, to remove his hands, to assess the damage but Harry recoiled, unbuckling his belt and stepping outside of the car. Louis was outside with him in a heartbeat. 

A stray car’s headlights illuminated Harry’s figure, clutching his face and walking away from the car and from Louis’ smaller form, trailing behind, rushing to his side. He got a hold on his shoulder and Harry shoved it away but he turned around. There was a bruise forming on the bridge of his nose, he had tear tracks on his face and Louis felt sick to his stomach. 

“You opened the door…” 

“Oh fuck off. Fuck off, Louis.” Harry turned around again and walked two steps further away from him. 

They were both nervous. This was a decision they had made on a whim. The engagement rumours of Louis and Eleanor really did a number on Harry. He didn’t like them one bit, even if they couldn’t be more untrue. It was very fucking unfair. Louis was his boyfriend of almost five years, they were so in love it was scary, they were it and yet they couldn’t be further away from an engagement, hell, they couldn’t be further away from having an actual dinner date. 

Countless times Harry had fantasized with them running away. They wouldn’t tell anyone where they were, not even their mothers, at least not until they were safe. He had voiced his fantasies to Louis but the other had always taken the piss at him. 

“They’d find us within hours, Hazza, and we’d be flown directly to the worst meeting of our lives, without even beginning to consider how big a dump we’d be taking on everyone else.” Louis had said, petting his hair in a hotel room in Peru. 

This was the closest thing to Harry’s getaway car fantasy would get and it was rapidly becoming a nightmare. Maybe they should just go back, maybe this was actually a bad idea, maybe Louis was getting cold feet and he didn’t know how to tell him because Harry had been over the moon with excitement as soon as they boarded the jet. 

The tour had been over for five whole days and they were having some time to themselves in Miami right before Louis flew to Eleanor in London. He should be boarding said flight but he was here, looking at Harry’s shaking back in the middle of nowhere Nevada. 

“This should be the happiest day of our lives.” Louis said softly, eyes welling up as he walked towards Harry again, he had to.

“I know…” Harry’s voice was heavy with tears. 

“I’m scared shitless, okay?”. 

Harry turned around to meet his boyfriend. His arms were wrapped around his own body, his chin stuck to his chest. Louis, making himself smaller and smaller with each word. Louis, avoiding his eyes because looking into those green orbs would mean that there was no turning back. And Harry gave up, he gave up over and over, he would until he had nothing left to give and then some more. He wanted to think that they both would so he walked back to Louis and wrapped his arms around him, clasping his hands together on Louis’ back. 

“I hate that I’m always so much more scared than you are, Haz and I hate that you hate me for it.” Louis’ voice shook with honesty. 

“I don’t hate you, I could never hate you. I’m scared too” 

For a moment only sniffles were heard, it was impossible in the deep dark night of the road to tell whom they belonged to. Another stray car’s light fell for a split second on the couple, white like a flashlight. Louis was tucked desperately into Harry’s chest and Harry’s face was buried with a force into Louis’ hair. It was as though arms weren’t enough. No clinging in the world could bring them as close as they needed. 

10.10.2014 // Las Vegas, Nevada, United States of America // In the AM 

“A while ago you played a football charity match…” 

“Oh fuck off…”

“Shush, you can’t interrupt wedding vows…” Louis licked his lips and smiled, half bitting his lip. “A while ago you played a football charity match and I came to see you. At some point…” 

Harry chuckled, looking down at his feet for a second before looking up at Louis again. They almost laughed. Harry had written and rewritten this a thousand million times. He had picked a hundred different stories but he felt confident, this was the one. 

“I just knew you were going to get sick.. I almost felt guilty when you got on one knee on the sidelines because I honestly believed that I could’ve prevented it.” Louis was almost offended by the amount of detail Harry was giving. Almost, because Harry was telling him this story like there were other people there and if he closed his eyes he could picture the fancy chairs covered in those stupid white sheet things. And he would’ve been blushing, he would’ve been blushing so much because only Harry knew first hand what a fuss he had made after that charity match.

Louis couldn’t help but feel a little overwhelmed by this stupid stupid story that he already knew by hard. He didn’t know how a memory that he had for the most part tried to forget was now making him all tingly inside. 

“It was a big deal. I remember meeting you in the van, you wouldn’t even look at me, I swear!” Harry went on, watching Louis’ face the whole time, wishing he could just reach out. “We were supposed to go out for drinks or something? But you didn’t want to go.” Harry watched Louis duck his head and stretched out a hand, brushing it against his, causing him to look up again, instantly, lips pursed. 

“And you were like ‘You go, ‘ave fun, go for it, ‘arold…” Harry mocked Louis’ accent and put on his very evidently fake nonchalant expression. Right then, he felt Louis’ hand tugging back and it felt like he was tugging at a small string tied to the pit of his stomach. 

“I realized right then that I didn’t want to go. That, honestly, Louis, I was thrilled to look after you, to pretend that getting sick on live tv was the end of the sodden world. I always am... I mean, no!” Harry chuckled nervously before taking a deep breath. Louis hadn’t laughed, Louis wasn’t laughing at all. The eager look on his eyes made it all feel so very serious. He didn’t let go of the hand. 

“There’s nothing worse for me than seeing you upset. Even if it’s something dumb like getting sick -everyone gets sick- I’ll never get why it was such a big deal.” Louis’ eyes were filling up and he had to roll them at that, briskly and without really meaning it. “But-but it didn matter because what is a big deal to you will always be a big deal to me. Even on your worst day, Louis Tomlinson, you’re the best thing in my life.”   
Louis had to close his eyes at that. Harry’s grasp was probably the only thing keeping his feet on the dirty chapel carpet. “That’s what I tried to explain to you that day… It’s you. For me it is you. You’re the only person I want when I’m scared and there’s no reason to celebrate anything without you. For me it’s only you.”

Louis had opened his eyes and he was nodding eagerly, smiling at him with wet eyes. Perhaps only now feeling realization downing on him, the reality of it all, the desire, etched to every fiber of his being. Harry turned to look at the pastor, as if asking permission to approach. She gave one court nod, her toothless smile tight. 

Harry let go of Louis’ hand to bring it closer to the one that bore the ring. “I, Harry Edward Styles, take you, Louis William Tomlinson, to love you, cherish you, cheer from the sidelines and to always always bring you home”.

06.22.2018 //Rear Window, Madison Square Garden, New York City //Late Afternoon

The venue was packed. Thousands of screaming people, a bunch of them shaking their rainbow flags. Harry was singing “Meet Me in The Hallway” with his band and his fans and Louis could barely see him from the dim lit window where he laid, hunched over his forearms. 

That song was the story of the third and possibly also the fourth time they broke up in the span of two months- That whole year had been a shipwreck on it’s own. He had been drunk for a big part of it but he could remember the screaming, Harry wasn’t a person who shouted a lot but to the staff of those hotels he might as well be a violent killer. 

He should be happy, listening to this song now that all of that was just a memory. Now that they had gotten back together and he got to come see Harry’s show from the secret window. He was carefully snuck in and out of a couple of shows and he had plans to record his own album. He kept those songs a tight secret, especially because Harry was really eager to know something -anything- about them. 

After what had surely been the worst year of his life, Louis had gotten back together with Harry. Amidst all the craziness he had promised Harry the one thing that had kept them apart. He had promised to do the one thing that the other wanted. 

Louis opened another can and took a swig as the song ended. They had been together for a year and the goddamn promise was starting to weigh heavy on him. Harry’s tiny, subtle ways of bringing it up were giving him gut wrenching anxiety. Harry telling all of his tour staff that Louis was not simply a friend who didn’t want to be papped but his boyfriend was definitely not something he had wanted to do. But what could he say? Was he going to get mad? Cause a scene? Right before the show? Where Harry had prepared something nice for him? No, he would shut the fuck up, pull up the hood of his hoodie and ask lovely Emma for a six pack of lager.

He was giving his third can of beer a long swig when it happened. Kacey Musgraves waltzed back in, wearing a rainbow dress. She said something about celebrating love, Harry was silent, looking at the rear window like he could look into Louis’ eyes. Louis couldn’t stop himself from flinching every time someone from the staff opened the door, he couldn’t stop wondering if all those people at the stadium had signed proper non disclosure agreements or if he’d wake up tomorrow outed by a lightning assistant. 

Harry was changing bloody pronouns and swatting every single flag that got thrown on stage and it… it made Louis’ skin prickle. He was sounding mean, even to himself. He did admire how brave Harry was, how he didn’t feel like he owed the media an explanation or anyone else for the matter. It’s just that it wasn’t his thing, Louis didn’t do that and he didn’t want to do that. 

He should’ve never promised Harry that they’d come out. Never, ever. Louis placed the third empty can on the table and went over to the mini fridge to get another, he opened it with one swift movement of his index and placed his elbows back on the window sill. 

Harry was still the one, he really was, he’d always be. How could he not? He had found the way to serenade him secretly at Madison Square Garden. He could go to any party after this show, any at all, yet he was going to spend the night with him. His only wish in return was to love him in the open, to put his name in songs and go on holiday to a place that wasn’t like a hidden island or some shit. Louis took a deep breath and a long gulp. He couldn’t comply, as much as he loved Harry he’d have to break his promise, sooner or later. 

10.10.2014 // Las Vegas, Nevada, United States of America // In the AM 

“I… When we first met… I mean, no…” Louis chuckled nervously, his eyes darting from the pastor’s slight frown to Harry’s eager eyes. His stomach was having a party of it’s own. 

He had been fumbling with his words for about twenty seconds, it felt more like forty minutes. He was supposed to tell the story about how they first met but now that sounded stupid in his head. He should’ve gone first so he wouldn’t have the stupid lump in his throat from Harry’s random amazing vows. 

Fuckin Harry, of course he would shame whoever he married with silly, precious vows. It was almost the only downside to it, Louis often joked: Harry was so perfect it made him look bad. The latter disagreed. Louis looked down at his feet for a second and then at the two rings: one on the palm of his hand, one wrapped around his finger. He’d have to take it off as soon as they boarded their plane back to England. 

“I didn’t... want to be here.” He said, startling Harry whose smile dissipated like a chalk drawing on the street with the first droplets of a storm, hoping that it’d stop confident that it wouldn’t.

He hated it. He hated the way Harry’s mouth twisted at it’s corners when he’d watch Louis get uncomfortable. He massively loathed the scared look in his eyes right now, like a part of him considered there was a chance that Louis would abandon him right there at their crappy altar. 

“I was back there, fuckin’ weein’ every fourth minute and whatnot, me teeth fuckin’ chattering.” He tried to joke, only getting a weird nervous small smile from Harry. “Even though this was my idea, it felt suddenly like the worst possible idea. A-and all I could think of was how this is not going to change anything.” 

By now Harry’s stomach had climbed to his throat, ready to jump out the moment Louis backed out. He could see it in his eyes though, Louis struggling with his words was a sight for the ages. 

“Probably it won’t. So many times we thought something would change and it didn’t… We always said we just knew? At the x-factor bathroom?” Louis let out a shy smile, his posture relaxing only slightly.

“I didn’t. I really really didn’t. I may have been the eldest but I didn’t know why absolutely had to befriend you, why I needed to keep making you laugh and then the days went on and I didn’t know why we texted so much, a crazy lot of texting, at one point I could really name the four meals you’d eaten in a day!” Louis beamed, smiling through a deep crimson blush. 

For a second he locked eyes with Harry, who was biting his lip lightly, hanging onto his every word. Every ray of doubt he’d felt had dissipated, Louis was shining like the sun, getting more excited, more confident with each word. In that moment, everything felt so fucking worth it.

“It was the last morning that you were working at the bakery and you texted me, woke me up before nine, and I wasn’t even mad. I was up before anyone else in the house, except for me mum and when she saw me coming down the stairs, huge stupid smile plastered on me face, and I told her ‘Oh, Harry woke me up, ‘s fine.’ She gave me this look… and something just didn’t add up, you know?” 

By this point Harry couldn’t help a small chuckle, shaking his head slightly. But there was a pause, there was hesitation and Louis’ smile faltered. 

“I was terrified. Until the day we kissed I considered the possibility of having gone mad then it… You…” Louis grunted lightly and looked at the cream coloured ceiling, blinking rapidly, before meeting Harry’s eyes again. He was waiting patiently, as always. “I’ve been in love with you ever since.” His voice was at it’s softest. 

Louis’ hands -one ring on his sweaty palm, the other on his finger- were shaking and it was hard for him not to hate it. It burned his skin, that was the catch, it wasn’t something he did consciously, it was ingrained in his system. Just saying it out loud made his throat tight, his stomach leap and it wasn’t the nerves, it was never just the butterflies of yearning. 

He was doing this for Harry, for the way Harry was looking at him right now, the delighted sparkle in his green eyes, the slight tremble of his lips. He deserved the world. 

“It hasn’t been a day I haven’t loved you. Every morning I wake up next to you and it feels like a fever dream. You ruined being in a band for me because that, my alleged whole life dream, doesn’t even seem like a big deal when I feel your head on my chest… all of the silly things and-and… you are my whole world.”

Harry wiped at his eyes, pale skin already getting blotchy from holding back. He sniffled and for a moment he imagined that Louis had just said that in a green meadow, with their mums sitting front row. He pictured little Lux being their ring bearer and lots of pictures, maybe even a tape,one he could watch obsessively behind Louis’ back. He imagined Louis telling everyone that he was his whole world, with his shaking hands and his shy smile. 

“I didn’t want to be here because I’m selfish… and I’m scared.” Louis stretched out a hand to wipe Harry’s cheek, the other closed his eyes, living for the print of the finger on his cheek. “I’m cynical and I don’t have the perfect wording, as you might see.” He tried to joke. 

“You make me want to be better, I want to be better for you, I am a better man for having met you and for every day you keep choosing me I will keep trying to make you understand, even if it’s probably impossible to put in fucking words, that you’re the best thing that’s ever happened and will ever happen to me.” Louis’ voice wobbled and he didn’t know for how long he had been speaking or how much longer he could go on without crying himself. 

Harry was already a mess. He was doing his best job at not letting his face crumple completely, it wasn’t a very good job. 

“So... “ Louis took a deep breath through his mouth “Harry. Edward. Styles. I’m not marrying you because I want it to change anything. I’m doing this because as hard as things can get I want you to remember that I love you, that I’ll always love you, I’ll always have your back and nothing will ever change that.”

10.03.14//Eleventh floor, Residence Inn Hotel, Tampa, Florida//After the show

Louis’ Tomlinson’s back was covered in sweat, the white sleeveless shirt clad to his skin to the point where it became transparent. He hurried down an empty hallway, his hands turned to fists. Out of one of said fists came a small white card. He turned the corner sharply and made a beeline for the end of the hall. 

There were two ominous doors and a sign that read ‘Suite’. Louis placed the card against the reader, it bipped, it opened. Labored breathing could be heard but there was no one in the cozy living room that lead to the bedroom. 

“Baby…” Louis climbed the tow steps that separated the lounging area from the actual room of the suite. The light came from the glass wall next to the bed, the whole city of Florida looked like a starry night out in the fields, with it’s million lit up dots. The bed was made but the sobbing persisted. 

Louis turned to the source of the noise. There was light coming from underneath the bathroom door. He ran a hand through his face and puffed out a breath. 

“Harry, open up.” Louis’ rapid moves had ceased, now he took small steps towards the door. “Haz, I need to talk to you, I’m here, alright? I ditched the party, please, open up.” 

His voice was soft, doubtful. His hands were shaking, full on. He stood still in the room in shadows, a good two meters of distance between him and the door, a look of fear striking his face. 

“Haz, it’s important…”

The door flew open, the light coming from inside the bathroom blinded him a little, be it that or the sight of Harry: shirtless, the left side of his hair was still in it’s perfectly pretty braiding, the right was loose and curly. He sniffled but his expression was angry. A hand on the handle and frown setting over his wet eyes. 

“Should I thank you? Because you missed your night out?” 

Harry walked out of the bathroom, switched the lights on and walked over to the closet. With his left hand he started trying to get rid of his right braid but it was tighter than tight. 

“Harry…”

“I know, you’re sorry” His voice was more bitter than mocking, he didn’t even look at Louis as he spoke. “I get it and it’s nice that you came back and I forgive you but I think you should ask for another room for the night” 

Louis opened and closed his mouth without saying anything. He looked stunned, like his feet had melted on the very same spot on the carpet where he stood when Harry came out of the bathroom. 

“I made- I made a stupid comment…” He stuttered. 

Harry turned around. He would’ve looked funny with the half bride on but there was something angry curling on his lip, arching around his eyebrow.

“What’s just a stupid comment for you, ends up breaking my heart more often than not.” 

They stare at each other for an instant before Harry rolled his eyes, shaking his head lightly. He plopped on the bed, using both hands to untangle the braid but he just couldn’t get the damn thing off. 

“Fuck”

“Let me...”

“Don’t.” 

Louis took the half step he’d made backwards. He was starting to lose the wave of confidence that had driven him like lightning down the hall. He willed himself to open his mouth and he did but no words would come out. It felt as if his own voice had turned into a sheer whisper and Harry’s boomed gravely through the room mockingly. 

“I just feel really stupid, you know?” Harry said, his lip wobbled dangerously. “When we are around other people, it’s like you wish I wasn’t there.” Harry mumbled. 

His hands fell to his sides, defeated by his hairdo and the situation. This wasn’t an on and off situation anymore. They didn’t sneak off to their own little world every chance they got. It wasn’t even about Eleanor or the next girl Harry was paired up with. It didn’t feel like it had anything to do with Simon. Tonight Harry was angry at Louis and maybe he had been for a while now. 

“Same sex marriage will probably be legal in Nevada in six days.” 

Harry did a double take, his chain of thought broken by this totally out of context detail. It took him like five seconds of watching Louis’ terrified expression to connect the dots. 

“No…” Harry stood up swiftly. 

“Marry me.” 

“Louis, you don’t mean it, no.”

“Elope with me, Harry, I want to marry you”. 

Harry’s face crumpled. A choked sob leaving his mouth before he could cover it with his hand because there was no way this was happening. Louis couldn’t be serious.   
“Don’t joke about this, please.”

Louis took a deep breath before walking over to Harry. He looked like he was about to collapse right then and there. It was so uncool, the way he knelt, ringless and just took Harry’s hand in his. 

They were hungry and tired and considering giving up more than they usually did. Harry had this hollow feeling in his chest, like there wasn’t enough air in the world to fill him. What kind of solution was this? He couldn’t consider that because this was Louis trying, hard. 

It’s not that he didn’t have the heart to say that this was a desperate way to try and fix something that was probably already broken but more that he didn’t even consider that, not really, not for a second. 

What is love? We are taught from a young age that grand gestures can mend hearts of glass, that true love undergoes great pain and happy endings are to come, precisely, at the end. There was a boy kneeling in front of him, asking to take his hands for life, his life for hands. 

Harry tensed his hand, grabbing Louis’ and pulling him to his feet. In that instant he wished he could pick him up with one hand and wash him in the sink, soak him in warm water until he didn’t look torn anymore. 

“Yes.” Louis looked up instantly, life coming back to him with the weight of the words. “Yeah, okay?”

Louis threw himself over him, kissing him sloppily as they both fell on the bed. Laughter breaking their kiss. Harry’s laughter was the only sound he ever wanted to hear. Harry wrapped Louis’ thin lips in his, their noses brushing, eyes closed. But Louis’ eyes were open to see the expression of absolute bliss that washed over his husband to be’s face.

“Can I wear a dress?”

“Anything you want.”

“I want a big ring to show off.” Louis chuckled and hid his head on Harry’s naked shoulder. 

“What if I want you in a dress?” Louis popped his head back up, hair spiking in odd directions. 

“We can discuss…” He replied, coy smirk on. 

Harry was smiling so big, like everything that hurt him three minutes ago was just a bad dream that he had woken from right in Louis’ arms. 

“Promise me we’re doing this, promise to marry me, Louis.” 

“I do, I promise, we’re getting married in Vegas.” Harry’s snort was the beginning of another bout of laughter. The Florida night as sole witness of their love. 

05.25.2016// Gemma’s Apartment, London, England // After lunch

Gemma stood behind Harry, her hands buried in his long curly hair, Harry was looking upwards in a cartoon-like way, pretending to be concerned as his sister pulled strands apart.

“We could shave it, like completely shave it, chuck it off Britney style” She joked. 

Harry turned his head and the hair cascaded out of her hands. He pulled it over his right shoulder, clad in a blue silky shirt. 

“No, I’m not going bald, Gemma” 

The crowd sitting on the couches laughed. Alexa Chung inched closer to the coffee table, where she put down her drink. The spring breeze coming in through the window made her look stunning, she slithered her hand to Harry’s knee and poked it, getting his full attention. 

“Will you sell the hair?” She asked, laughter ensued.

There were three other people sitting on the couch with them, holding their drinks in their hands over a clearly finished lunch. The man on the far left end poured himself some more white wine and offered people around the table to top their glasses. 

“Will you donate it, Harry?” Camille asked as she slid her glass towards the person with the bottle. 

“I thought so, yeah” Harry turned to her and nodded. 

She was a friend of Alexa’s that she had casually brought for lunch to his sister’s. They had met somewhere else but he couldn’t remember where. What he was sure about? Gemma was on a crusade for him to meet someone new. 

The sound of birds chirping startled Harry and he stood from the coffee table, moving to grab his bag, slung over one of the big chairs in the proper dining room. The birds intensified when he pulled out his phone, almost dropping it when he read the ID. 

“That’s your ringtone? Birds, Harry?” Alexa called from afar.

He could hear others laughing again but it was all a distant murmur. He had never changed Louis’ ID picture and as his call was coming in the picture of the older lad wearing Harry’s mint coloured robe, smiling softly, popped up, burning him like his phone was on fire. 

“Harry…?” Gemma was coming over to him and as one would in a middle school class, he rejected the call and hid his phone behind his back. “Are you alright?” 

“Yes, yeah…” The sound of birds chirping cut him again. 

Gemma was arching an eyebrow and he couldn’t help blushing as he showed her the screen of his phone. His sister sighed and looked away, almost disappointed. 

They hadn’t spoken in five months. All that he knew about Louis was what Niall told him, he wasn’t speaking to Liam much, and Niall was never good at gossip. He always brought up stuff like “He’s got a new car” or “He won’t play golf with me.” Then there were tabloids and pictures of him and Danielle, whose name he pretended to forget in his own head. Pictures of Louis looking worse for wear, coming out of pubs and clubs. The boy in the mint coloured robe with the sunny smile, turned into a sweaty ball of grump, helped into a van by securty. He had never felt further away from Louis since he’d met him. 

“I’m going to pick up.” 

“I know." With that she turned back to her guests, disappointment evident. 

The call went to voicemail but he couldn’t help it..His thumb slid through the screen until he reached the one contact he was looking for. It was still named “Lou”. It only rang once, Louis picked up instantly on the other side. 

“Hey, I was, uhm... busy… your first call..” Harry stalled awkwardly but then all of a suddent he went silent, all his embarrassment and his own nerves dissipating. He rushed towards the kitchen, away from the noisy chatter of a brunch he didn’t feel like he was a part of anymore. 

“No, no it’s fine, you can always call me…” Harry bit his lip, looking up at Gemma’s kitchen ceiling. “London, I’m in London but can you tell me what it is? What’s happened to her?” Harry leaned on the counter. “Just tell me, Louis.”

Harry’s green eyes shut tight for one long moment of silence, holding his phone against his ear impossibly tight. The laughter from the congregation two rooms to his right could be heard distinctly but a part of him suddenly wanted to to ask them to shut the fuck up, proper cursing.

“Oh, Lou…” He muttered. His eyes opened up slowly, he swallowed hard. “Of course, yeah, I’ll text you the new addresstop stop stop, don’t do that, just come, okay?”

Harry moved his free hand to get a hold of his forehead, closing his eyes again. It’s crazy how the whole world can crumble around you with just one call. 

“Okay, see you in a bit… Don’t drive! Please.” He added the last word gently, everything he said felt like it had to be thought a million times. “I’m glad you called, alright? Really. Okay, bye.” 

Harry put down his phone briskly before running a hand through his hair, muttering curses as he turned around to face the window over the sink. A puffed breath left his mouth, eyes blinking rapidly in the process. 

The fact that he had considered not picking up haunted him. The silly nerves he had felt when calling back embarrassed him. It’s the awful things in life that put into perspective just how little people we are, Harry thought, how petty we get in the process of protecting ourselves and our own little feelings. 

He rushed out of Gemma’s place with little to no explanation. His sister would regret the superior glare she gave him as he reappeared in the living room with his short corduroy jacket and bag. Some things were bigger than a break up, bigger than the ill spoken words that echoed in his mind day after day. In the darkest of nights nothing weighed heavier for Harry than the love, the absolute ache, he felt for Louis.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> comments & kudos make me upload faster btw x
> 
> Ifff anyone wants any /particular/ moment in larry history written into this, also, let me know.


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